Happy New Year
Well, it's the new year, and here I am, still tangled, still mommy, still trying to figure out how to find my song again. I don't even know where to start, so I'll just plunge in and it will probably come out mixed up and in the wrong order, but here goes.
My life on the surface? Big, fancy, two houses and three healthy kids and a great husband and not a worry in the world. And yet, something not quite right. So often I feel like I am being pulled down, down. I am angry because no one seems to appreciate me, at least that's what the voice inside says, but when Glen offers help or the kids tell me I am the greatest, it makes no dent in the scream. So what is it, really? What am I squirming under? There are days when I truly feel grace, when I know all is well and I can watch my kids and know that I am so blessed. I feel glowing, loved, warm. But then the next moment it all slips away again, the knowledge and the comfort, and there I am again, wailing about how hard and how I have no free time and how I have lost my identity and how overwhelmed I am. Really. Really? Part of me knows it has a lot to do with the lack of sleep, and part is a selfish and never satisfied longing for alone time, which is silly because half the time when I am alone I have no idea what to do with myself and go searching for company.
Why can't I just be content? IS there such a thing? Why should't there be and why am I not? What is wrong with me? I know, I know there are people all around me with so much harder lives. I know it. People with real troubles, money troubles, health troubles, death and life and bad things all heaped. And here I am. It seems like thankfulness should go so much further… What is it I think I need that I don't have, truly? Why can't I just be happy already?????
Or maybe I am, and it's just unfair of me to expect it to be all the time. Maybe happiness is not something that can be sustained indefinitely. Maybe the problem is not that I am not happy, but that I think that should matter all the time. Maybe sometimes it just doesn't.
My life on the surface? Big, fancy, two houses and three healthy kids and a great husband and not a worry in the world. And yet, something not quite right. So often I feel like I am being pulled down, down. I am angry because no one seems to appreciate me, at least that's what the voice inside says, but when Glen offers help or the kids tell me I am the greatest, it makes no dent in the scream. So what is it, really? What am I squirming under? There are days when I truly feel grace, when I know all is well and I can watch my kids and know that I am so blessed. I feel glowing, loved, warm. But then the next moment it all slips away again, the knowledge and the comfort, and there I am again, wailing about how hard and how I have no free time and how I have lost my identity and how overwhelmed I am. Really. Really? Part of me knows it has a lot to do with the lack of sleep, and part is a selfish and never satisfied longing for alone time, which is silly because half the time when I am alone I have no idea what to do with myself and go searching for company.
Why can't I just be content? IS there such a thing? Why should't there be and why am I not? What is wrong with me? I know, I know there are people all around me with so much harder lives. I know it. People with real troubles, money troubles, health troubles, death and life and bad things all heaped. And here I am. It seems like thankfulness should go so much further… What is it I think I need that I don't have, truly? Why can't I just be happy already?????
Or maybe I am, and it's just unfair of me to expect it to be all the time. Maybe happiness is not something that can be sustained indefinitely. Maybe the problem is not that I am not happy, but that I think that should matter all the time. Maybe sometimes it just doesn't.
posted by me at 7:37 AM
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