a thought from How It Went Down by Kekla Magoon

As I watch all the civil unrest unfold before me, I have so many questions about what is right.  What is the right way to fight racism?  What is right for black people?  Is there really one answer to this question.  I am reading today How It Went Down by Kekla Magoon.  It is the story of a black boy killed by a white man in a black poor neighborhood, and it is told from many different points of view.  One of the characters is an older black man, fairly well educated and rich, who has married a woman from the poor neighborhood and is step-dad to her son.  One of his thoughts is this:

 "The footage of the church [for the funeral] shows all manner of people coming and going.  Leather-clad gang members, community leaders, young parents with small children in tow.  The gang boys throw up signs and fists, looking tough and projecting a sense of power.  There are all kinds of power - gang-type violent authority, sport-type physical prowess and social prestige, material wealth and economic dominance, power that comes from leadership, intellect, scholarship, knowledge.  It's what you buy into, in a sense.  The kind of power you seek depends on your worldview - what is necessary to survive, what is most important."

Third Mailing Letter to my friends

My friends,

This week I am just hurting.  I am missing everything.  I feel disconnected from the things I love.  I feel powerless to do anything to stop the hurting.  And that was before the riots started…

I don’t really have more words for what this weekend brought, and the interfaith poems I had intended to send today just seem too intellectual somehow.  Too careful.  Not raw enough to help with all this hurt.  So I decided to try something different.

A few weeks ago I was having a bad day.  I don’t even really remember what was so upsetting, but I found myself crying at odd moments and my children were all huddled around me at different points trying to comfort me.  Emma, of course, found a way to help.  While I was out on an errand, she made these little slips of paper with the word “hug” on them and she placed them everywhere around the house.  By everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE.  She taped them to the inside handles of the refrigerator and the oven.  She left them under my hairbrush and my toothpaste.  She slipped them in books and taped one to the inside of the dog’s food container.  She put them under shampoo and conditioner bottles and on top of the washing machine.  I eventually found one folded into some laundry in my closet and another under my pillow and one on the bottom of the salsa container in the fridge.  I think I was finding them for a week, and every time I found a new one I would smile and my chest would loosen a little.  I have asked her twice if she is still hiding new ones, which she says she is not.  I have my doubts.  :))

So my friends, today I want to share hugs with you.  I can’t sneak into your homes and hide them for you, but I can at least send them out to you.  Maybe you can hide them yourselves to find later, or tuck them into spots to be noticed again when needed.  Tape them to handles, slip them into books, slide them into the edge of mirrors.  My hope is that whenever you see one, you will smile, and your chest will loosen, and the pain will take a small step back, and you will know you are loved.  You are loved, and every one of us is loved.  Everywhere.  May this be the simple, powerful message we hear, may it be a living thing in our hearts, and may it be the message we bring forward.  Everywhere.

From mine to yours.       

        

Fear

Glen is going to work tomorrow.  For the fourth day in a row I am watching protesters move through the city.  The police chief says the hard part is that these protesters have decided not to register and they keep moving, which makes it hard to protect them or stop them if they get violent.  Also they keep sending off splinter groups, which seems to be on purpose to divide the police numbers.  For two days in a row they have overcome the highway through and out of town and yesterday they had to deploy teargas to stop them.  Glen says he knows different ways out of the city but I wish he would not go in at all.

People in and around the city have begun arming themselves.  The mayor is calling for people to not be vigilantes.  A gun store owner this morning shot and killed one of several men who deliberately and clearly with forethought broke into his store.  The men had a gun and pointed it at the owner, but he fired first.  I am afraid for what will happen to that man and his shop and that neighborhood tonight.  Will this get worse if people fight back?  The mayor is mourning the loss of another life, but it seems to me like it was going to be a loss either way.  Other guns stores today were flooded with homeowners and shop owners buying guns.

Today a synagogue that our church partners with frequently held a peaceful protest out here.  Our pastor said he was going and invited all of us.  I want to stand with them, but I was afraid to go.  I used the excuse that Alex had her math placement test, but it ended early enough that if I hustled truly I could have made it.  I don't trust any of these protests anymore.  How long until it begins to move to affluent areas if it is not stopped?  I am not saying we are better than anyone.  I don't want it to be happening to anyone, anywhere.  I don't care about our stuff, but I worry for our safety.  I do worry about the stuff in the neighborhoods they are burning.  Those people don't have any other stuff or means to get more stuff.  They need every inch they have.  I just wonder how long it will take to begin to cross the distance.

Today we saw three black men on bikes on our street.  We don't know them.  They didn't look like cyclists (which we get all the time) and they were not wearing bike attire or even helmets.  They had random bikes, not cycles like they were on a real ride.  One had pants around his butt.  Is it wrong that I felt nervous?  Is that profiling?  I feel like I would have wondered about any color men who looked odd like that and out of place, but the reality is I can't know.   They were black and there were not other strange men passing through.  Most people passing through look like they are serious about their bikes, or like families or like they are exercising or like people I know.   

I do not pretend to know what they are going through.  I am trying to listen.  I watched a clip of looters running out of a store and getting in their cars.  When the police came up to stop them, they ran them over.  One of the cops now has 12 broken ribs, 5 broken vertebrae, a crushed arm and shoulder...  In two days he has had two surgeries.  I am trying.  Maybe they stole enough stuff to feed their baby and buy diapers for another week.  Is that worth the injury to the police officer?

Books for these times

As I watch the news, the words running through my head continue to be: what can I do? I'm not sure I have an answer to that yet, but I have read some books recently that have helped me understand a little bit of why. As many of you know, I mostly read Young Adult books. In the last few years, there have been some amazing new books in that genre dealing with racism and people of color. Dear Martin by Nic Stone is a book I feel like everyone should read, young adult or old adult! In some ways, I feel like these offer a different view than books like The New Jim Crow.  These are the stories of how people feel, right now, living ordinary lives.  These are what is being written by African American authors for their children today.  This is how our young adults are learning about what it is like to be an African American.  They are not abstract, they are not difficult to get through.  Although they are not non-fiction, in many ways I think it is just as important to listen to the stories as to read the history.  I'm Not Dying With You Tonight is actually about an African American and a white girl who only barely know each other that get trapped together and have to live through a night of rioting together.  It goes back and forth showing how dramatically different they see everything as they are literally going through it side by side.  Really hits home today.

  So, here is my offering.  It's not perfect and it's not complete by a long shot, but it is a start.  Love to all.  Karin

  

* Dear Martin by Nic Stone
* I’m Not Dying With You Tonight by Kimberly Jones and Gilly Segal
* The Stars Beneath Our Feet by David Barclay Moore
* Boy in the Black Suit, When I was the Greatest, and the Ghost series by Jason Reynolds
* Scrawl by Marcus Shulman
* The Hate U Give and On the Come Up by Angie Thomas
* This Side of Home and Watch Us Rise by Renee Watson 
* The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Alexie Sherman
* Bluford High series (mixed authors) and Urban Underground series by Anne Schraff

(books in verse)
* Brown Girl Dreaming, Locomotion and Peace, Locomotion by Jacqueline Woodson
* Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo 
* Crossover and Rebound by Kwame Alexander 
* Between the Lines, Bronx Masquerade, Ordinary Hazards, and Planet Middleschool by Nikki Grimes

(poetry)
* Mixed Feelings by Avan Jogia

Come Sit With Me

Come Sit With Me

We began this boldly

charging forward

all of us together

to do good

to save lives

with chants and cheers 

with singing from balconies

rainbows and chalk drawings to

guide us.

Boldly

to conquer.

Then as time passed

our steps slowed.

paced.

The Long March

the long march 

to where?

to victory?

to the top of the hill?

to dawn?

Heavier.

A stumble.

A recovery.

A pause to look around

take a breath.

Slow became slower

the breaks longer

the miles

became blocks

fields

yards

steps.

Will you sit with me?

Still we sang.

Voices mixing

through the magic of technology.

Each voice matters.

Each voice its place.

Rising up

We shall not be silenced.

We will not go quietly 

into this —

Those too fell away,

One by one.

Some fading.

Some turning.

Some caught, 

as if breath stopped, 

or a sob -

one by one

one less by one less

the singing

stops.

And there is only this.

Only this single candle

flickering

wavering

in our dark.

only this tiny

precious light.

holding.

neither growing nor dying.

holding.

through this night.

holding

us.

as we sit with it.

as we sit with it.

there is nothing else now.

we draw to it.

we gather, we shadows.

we wait

and it does not go out.

as we settle here

we begin to realize

that we can see 

after all.

that there is light

in this dark.

not beaming

not shining

no beacons or even dawn breaking

just this

light

gentle and tiny and 

enough.

Let us sit with it.

Let us wait with it.

Let us hope.

Let us know.

It is enough.

khfc

Missing my village

Missing my village today.  My girls.  My friends.  My library.

My mail campaign

I have been sending all sorts of mail to friends and family.  I first got the idea when we started out morning "prayer and share" gatherings over zoom and I realized some of my friends are living alone and very isolated.  The first was an envelope of prayers by John Philip Newell from Praying for the Earth.  Then I sent some poems I found on the poetry.org website in their shelter poems series.  It took off from there.  My list has grown and now I am sending cheer mail to like 25 people.  One of the mailings I did was for Easter.  It included this poem and a feather.  (Yes, a real feather.  I got them from Michael's.)   Todd teases that I am keeping the US postal service in business, but Margaret calls it an amazing ministry and there have been many times when it seems my notes make their way to just the right person at just the right time.  I am thankful to be His servant.

Hope is the thing with feathers

Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

from Praying with the Earth by John Philip Newell

Prayer of Awareness

As light gives way to darkness

and the busyness of day concedes to night’s stillness.

As conscious thought surrenders to dreams

and our bodies long for rest

we pause to listen

for the beat of your Presence in all things

pulsing in the light of distant galaxies

sounding in the depths of or soul

vibrating in each vein of earth’s body.

One Sound as vast as the universe

one universe filled with Presence

one Life within every life.

In the darkness of night

in the stillness that surrounds us

in the unknown depths of our being

we pause to listen.

poem - Safe

Safe

Sometimes there is stuff

that seeps out of us

Stuff that is not pretty

that was deep dark down 

inside

shoved deep dark down

the silt at the bottom

where no one has to see it

where no one can see it

but no

that stuff

bubbles up and

oozes out of your pores

and the cracks of your dry skin

damp

sticky

ugly

black

muck

and you can’t wash it off

it has to be scraped

rubbed

flicked off your fingernails

onto this paper.

Onto this paper.

And what do you do with it.

You can’t give it away.

This is not a gift.

This is not poetry.

It’s not nice

and it’s not pleasing

and it’s not even meant

for anybody else

it just is.

But it has to go somewhere.  

You can’t keep it anymore.

It came out of you and it has to 

keep going out.

So maybe you open your window

and fling it

away

and maybe the wind catches it.

Maybe it is tossed and flung

through branches and brambles and maybe it shreds

into nothing.

But maybe

after it blows and drifts

maybe

just maybe

it splats into someone

wraps around their leg.

And maybe that person

peels it off

and takes it home

and lays if gently on their kitchen table.

Maybe that person tenderly smooths out the wrinkles

and wipes away most of the tears

and leans in

and breathes of so softly

a whisper to a frightened thing

hush

hush 

it’s okay 

you’re safe now

you’re home.

khfc

May 12 - I Miss...

I miss Barnes and Noble in person.  The smell of the store.  My friends the booksellers and the coffee guy with the elvish ears and fingernail polish who actually makes terrible hot chocolate but I really love him anyway.  And the feel of a new book in my hands I’ve never met before.  Of opening the cover and maybe making a new friend or finding a new world to live in for awhile.    😔

Ogden Nash - The Germ!

Stumbled across this today...

The Germ

by ogden nash

A mighty creature is the germ,

Though smaller than the pachyderm.

His customary dwelling place

Is deep within the human race.

His childish pride he often pleases

By giving people strange diseases.

Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?

You probably contain a germ.

Thoughts on Easter Vigil April 10

Good morning all!

As we approach vigil, I am looking at this new version of computer vigil.  I see we have no lack of volunteers again despite the strangeness!  For sure it won't be the same, but there is one bright side for me: for the first time Emma and Lissy get to participate.  They both signed up for middle of the night slots.  And yet there is this question: what does it mean to hold vigil by a computer?  To keep the company of a candle which is far away in a room we cannot fully see?

For me keeping vigil means being with Jesus, sharing the burden and the joy in a completely intimate way.  Sitting with him through the darkness and the light, both present and full.  Keeping watch with him knowing what is to come, and knowing also what is to come is not the end.  I think that I will light a candle here too, just because I want that real light, but I know that wherever we are and wherever the candle is, He will be with each of us.

I wondered if anyone would be willing to share some thoughts about what vigil means for them?  And if it's different for you this year?

Love,

Karin

poem April 7 We Did Not Die

I think there might be more to add to this one before the end, but here is a first run...

We Did Not Die

We did not die

we stayed in our homes

on our couches 

on our chairs

on our porches and balconies and gardens

we watched TV

and we read books 

and we played games

and we watered our plants

and we took walks

and we loved our pets

and we did not die

We watched the news and we were scared

we stopped watching the news because we were scared

we binge watched series

and recommended movies

and shared clips

and watched netflix while face timing

and played internet games with each other

and took zoom meetings

and we did not die

We missed each other

we missed being able to see smiles

we missed sharing hands

we missed hugs

we missed meals together

we missed celebrations together

we missed dancing together

we missed winks and little touches

we missed sitting shoulder to shoulder 

we missed the way we smell

we missed breathing together 

we missed silence

and we did not die

We chatted daily

and looked each other in the eye

and got to know each other differently

and got to know each there’s pets

and got to know who was a cleaner

and who was a fixer

and who was a teacher

and who was a reader

and who was a poet

and who was crafty

and who was a baker

and who was willing to try

and who was ok with alone

and who was not ok with alone

and we reached out 

and we did not die

We stayed home because they told us to

we stayed home because it was the right thing to do

we stayed home to help the ones we love

we stayed home to help the ones who were loving the ones we love

we stayed home because it was the best thing we could do to help

we stayed home because it was the only thing we could do to help

we stayed home because we were afraid for ourselves

we stayed home because we were afraid for each other

we stayed home because we were afraid 

and some days we were brave

and we went to the grocery store or the pharmacy

and some days we were brave

and we got takeout

and emptied it onto our own plates

and waved to delivery people through windows

and some days we were afraid 

and we did not

and some days we went out to help others

and we did not die.

We loved

everyone

because there was no reason not to

because everyone became the same

because everyone became less important

and more important

we huddled together as best we could

waiting together for the day

when we could be together

and we lived

and we did not die

khfc

poem April 5 Just About the Sound

Just About the Sound

(or, a pretty near perfect evening)

The frogs singing

The fire crackling

The dishwasher bumping along

The girls laughing

The dog chewing his bone

The girls fighting

The girls laughing again

“Mom, what’s the stratosphere?”

The fire crackling

The frogs singing

khfc

Singing - April 4

When I get the chance and everyone clears out for a minute, I love to put on my music and sing while I make dinner.  It almost never fails me.  Here's the song that got me today.  What's yours?

Karin

***

Glorious Unfolding

Steven Curtis Chapman

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
'Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our savior and king
So let us remember this life we're living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

A rant from March 30... Health care vs Emergency Management

Sorry.  I just have to get this off my chest and then I will shut up again. 

I love our calls but they are rather heavy on the healthcare worker side and I come from the emergency management side.  It's not even really political but I can't figure out how to say this on our call without everyone getting mad at me.  

When I think back to my FEMA days we were always butting heads then with the health officials during planning exercises over when to shut things down and how long to keep things open too.  The docs generally tended to be much more alarmist than anybody else in the meetings and there were fireworks then too.  Not that they were necessarily wrong, but they tended to ignore all other needs besides the health side.  Like economies.  Like food supplies.  No perfect answer for sure.  Guess I should be happy.  The last pandemic exercise I ran was a swine flu scenario involving so many deaths that not only did they overrun the morgues but health officials predicted there would not be enough coroners and there would be bodies decaying in homes and possibly something like cholera or whatever you get from decaying bodies as a secondary...  They were looking at the government taking over grocery trucks for body storage and debating the possibilities of mass graves...  Now that was fun.

From that same emergency management experience I have to say I don't think you would have convinced anybody to actually do the social distancing necessary until people started dying.  Even well into the first week of official lockdown people were still having playdates and football games in the park.  The CDC was putting out guidance as much as two weeks earlier telling people to start reducing outings and to stock up on supplies.  I know and I went out and started buying supplies then but no one else I know paid it any attention.  But looking at say hurricane preparedness, how many times over and over have we seen people ignore the warnings and refuse to evacuate and then there we are rescuing them?  I don't know if it is a function of how sensational our news has become in general, but when we have real warnings it's so hard to get people to heed them for anything.  So they can blame the federal government all day long, but who would have listened?  They keep saying the danger was downplayed but honestly I didn't get that.  I heard it.  Glen heard it.  And there were mixed messages but there always are at the beginning of a big disaster when we're gathering information.  We've never had a disaster like this in our country and it takes time to get a handle on any disaster.   

I'll go the step further since I am ranting and say that it's false to say that because the one pandemic planner or even team at the CDC was fired there was no planning going on or we likely would have had a different response.  Pandemic planning has been happening at the federal, state, and local level for literally over a decade.  Our regions have plans.  Our states have plans.  Our locals have plans.  Our hospitals have plans.  But emergency managers and planners make decisions every day regarding what we can do to prepare for a threat based on the probability that it will occur and the level of impact that will happen.  Katrina didn't happen because someone made one decision.  Katrina happened because many people at all levels of government made many decisions to plan and prepare for other, more likely disasters.  They chose to use funding elsewhere (and also to steal some of it, but that's a different thing.)  This is an unfortunate side of planning.  You can't have it all.  There is not enough money or people or resources to do it all.  No one in a million years would have made a decision to stockpile 100,000 or more ventilators over say funding for schools and roads, or even to stockpile that much PPE.  We have generators.  We have communications equipment.  We have food and water and blankets and medical equipment.  We even have freezer trucks equipped as morgues that came out of all that planning.  IMO no one would have chosen that specific piece of equipment without knowing the specific threat.  E-bola requires a totally different set of response equipment.  We did have an obsolete system for testing but again IMO no one would have gotten any leverage overhauling that system without this happening.  

Plus all disasters start local.  We can say the federal government should have been doing...  But every response has to start locally.  Governor Wolf has been doing (in my opinion) a good job and that is how it is supposed to happen.  When President Trump says the governors should be doing it, he is right and I have personally sat in on calls in the past where the governors told the president to butt out of their disaster response until they called for help.  That's how our country has always worked.  Most of the time we are perfectly happy with it that way.

OK, I am done now.  Sorry but thanks for listening.  

Continuing the philosophical question... March 28

The problem for me, as I've come to realize and acknowledge in the many recent months (before this though) is the demon on my shoulder is constantly whispering "it's not enough, not enough, not enough."   That voice is constantly at war with the voice reminding me that my part is my part and my part alone, and also at war with the quiet voice of God under it all guiding me.  Not enough not enough not enough.  

In my heart I know that the little things I am doing from home are important, even if just for a few.  The demon keeps whispering.

I debated sending out this question as adding to the burden of others with my demons.  But then I thought perhaps I might not be the only one suffering with this.

A centering thought, though...  Emma shared a jar of your starter with her best friend.  More people baking your loaves!

I know these are the things that will keep us all whole and together.   

Philosophical Question - March 28

I am just putting this out there for the universe.  Feel free to answer or not...

OK, so here's the question of the day: is it possible to feel peace in times like this?  In between the moments of panic, the recovery from watching too much news, the worry about opening the mail or gathering the groceries and trying not to bring any germs into our home, keeping everyone fed and occupied, the scrubbing scrubbing scrubbing of hands...  In between, sometimes, there are these moments of peace.  Not just breathing room, not just a break, but this deep abiding amazing warm welcoming peace.  The kind that overflows everything.  The kind that leaves no room for any of that other stuff.  The kind that takes over so completely that for just those few moments, nothing can touch you.  It's so perfect.

The next feeling is usually guilt.  Guilt that I can have that.  Guilt that there are people out there fighting this thing.  That there are people out there making it possible for me and my family to literally stay alive.  People doing work and helping others in ways that I am not.  I am here, inside my bubble.  Doing what?  The small, still voice tells me I am doing what God requires of me.  I am waiting.  I am not adding to the heartache.  I am not making it harder for them to do their jobs.  I am living my small life staying out of the way of those doing what is necessary.  Part of me feels this is enough for now.  

Peace.  Guilt.  I have always been a person who understands that everyone has their place.  Sometimes you have a big, leading role.  Sometimes you have a small role that makes it possible for others to have their moment.  Sometimes you are a tiny tiny part of a big machine, but that big machine needs you or it cannot run.  I guess in this moment I am a tiny part, I am a small role.  It's a hard idea to swallow when there is so much hurt going on outside my door.

I am OK with being small.  But am I allowed such peace if I am so small?

Thoughts from Lockdown - March 20

As we continue on this strange lockdown journey, I realize I do want to capture some of the things I have been thinking and feeling.  I tried to keep a journal (didn't everyone at the beginning?), but after a few pages there it sits...  But my online life has been going along, so I thought I would steal bits of it to record here.  This one is part of an email to Linda C., a friend from my church Gladwyne Presbyterian.  It is written on March 20, about 5 days in...

We are staying pretty much home except for groceries.  Glen's practice, for better or worse, is closed right now except for some very limited hours for emergencies and non-elective things.  On the flip side, he is the Task Force Lead for the dermatology group that owns his practice, and with that he has been running ragged.  Apparently he is working from home, but I hardly ever see him!  We are thankful to be together, most of the time :)))  The girls are settling into life with Flexible Schooling.  A few hiccups here and there, but I have to say I am really proud of how well they did this first week.  The first few days were rough because school didn't start till Wednesday and there was alot of anxiety about what that would look like, but once it came they did much better.  They have even been working ahead and today they were all done with all their work by noon.   It's definitely way more screen time than I prefer, but since screen time now includes school time and their entire social lives, I guess we'll have to give a little there.  

I am frustrated with the fact that I am still plagued with a nagging cough, which means I am definitely absolutely stuck home.  Today I made it all the way through the grocery store, got in line, and coughed.  People literally backed away and the couple behind me pulled out gloves.  I am so used to being the helper, this is making me sad.  But the girls and I are working to be creative and build some kindness time into our day.  It helps all of us.

Mother's Day 2019

Today I...

Got up early to greet my new teenager

Drank my hot chocolate in peace

Had breakfast made by Glen

Mediated a fight between Lissy and Alex over who had more gifts for me

Sliced strawberries and helped bring Discovery breakfast.

Celebrated Emma's birthday at church with the s'mores cake she made

Joined in the whole church singing happy birthday to Emma

Mediated another fight over gifts

Helped Lissy find the flower she lost for me

Got beautiful cards from Lissy and Alex

Watched videos made by Lissy and Alex for me

Cleaned the kitchen after Emma decorated her second cake

Enjoyed Emma's wonderful mac and cheese dinner

Ate Emma's second cake

Cleaned the kitchen again

Cleaned the birthday debris

Got lots of hugs and hugs and hugs

Watched "cardinal reality TV" on Emma's new birdfeeder.  We named four cardinals and a catbird.

Mediated another fight

Got distracted a million times

Finished a book.  Too bad it had a cliffhanger end!  Ordered the next book.  God bless Amazon.

Opened one of Emma's jar of positivity notes.  Laughed.  Alot.

Cleaned the kitchen again.

Ditched cleaning the kitchen in favor of a last hot chocolate.

All is well.  Happy mother's day.

Lissy's dream

This morning I am really sad, and I am not sure where to go with it.  Lissy has a dream: she wants to go to the Olympics in gymnastics.  I have known it but never known quite what to do with it.  She is very talented, and she loves gymnastics and works hard at it.  But the Olympics?  The truth is, I was unwilling to be the one to kill the dream for a long time, and I honestly was not sure if maybe there wasn't some hope there.  If anyone could work hard enough, I think it's Lissy.  Driven is an extremely accurate word for my daughter!  But as I look into the world of gymnastics more, I begin to see that she is nowhere near where she would need to be now to get to the Olympics.  At the bottom of it is the fact that she is at the wrong gym.  I love her gym.  Her gym is nurturing and caring and they teach good, solid skills.  They have produced girls who win at the regional level, and occasionally a national competitor.  But they are not an elite gym.  Last summer we got a taste of what an elite gym is like at our New Jersey home.  Not so much better that our gym looked terrible or anything.  But clearly a level up.  And Lissy flourished.  They pushed her, and she worked hard as usual and really blossomed.  Then they moved her up a level, and this is where my really sleepless nights began.  Because when we got back to our gym, they chose not to honor that and leave her at level 4.  They kept her with her old group at Level 3.  Of course Lissy was happy because she is with her friends and it is all familiar.  But as the year goes on, I am watching her flatten out.  She is not being pushed at all, she is losing the level 4 skills she had over the summer, and her level 3 skills are looking a bit lackluster.

My heart is breaking.

She is also in ballet, where she is also very talented.  A few days ago the owner there and I spoke, and she reinforced that Lissy really is physically gifted.  She said she has seen another growth in Lissy's ballet.  I thought I saw it, but as a mom you never know if it's just wishful thinking, right?  But Janis said what I am seeing is real.  She is good.  And for ballet, I do think she is in the right place and the right school.

Last night after dinner I told Glen and Lissy that.  And we talked a little bit about the fact that in one or maybe two years at most she is going to have to make a choice, because both sports will get to be too time consuming to manage both.  Glen asked her which she thinks she might do.  She answered gymnastics, "because you can't go to the Olympics for ballet."  Glen laughed and told her she's not going to the Olympics anyway, she has no idea how hard those kids work and how they have nothing else in their lives.  He also told her she's already way too old.  This is not how I would have done the conversation, but there we were.  I told her that she is also not at the right gym.  I told her that her gym can get her to state champs, probably to college, but it will not get her to the Olympics because it is not aggressive enough.  She seemed OK as long as she gets to go to State.  She was smiley, but the way she left reminded me of the way she looks at the end of a meet where she hasn't done well, so I wonder if we weren't seeing her game face.

I spent hours awake last night.  Did I kill her dream?  How deep was the dream?  Was it ever possible?  Could it be possible if we did things differently?  Could it be possible if we were at a different gym?  Have I failed her???  Glen stated again that he thinks she is at the perfect gym for her.  It clearly holds compassion, caring, safety, health, and good sportsmanship as its highest values, all things we want for her.  But...

My heart is breaking.