looks like we're growing again!

After a few weeks of "lull", it seems like the last week has been bringing changes again. Started with my noticing a few more articles of clothing didn't fit anymore (or maybe they just shrank??? yeah right). Then one morning Glen woke up, put in his contacts, and said "Wow, you've grown!" I'm sure he meant that in the nicest possible way... That meant another trip to Old Navy for new sweats, a new belt. And officially, this weekend, an admission that my good professional coat no longers quite buttons across the front. Also noticing I'm a little less graceful (ha), a little more prone to tip over or run into stationery objects, and I also can't quite see my toes unless I bend (but only slightly). Mostly meeting all these things with a grin, and hanging on to the fact that everything but my belly is still a size 6 and I can still fit into all my rings and shoes! Hoping very much that I manage to stay that way, even if Glen doesn't believe I can eat the way I am and still stay less than giant sized...

This last weekend also brought some different thoughts. Sunday morning I woke up, and for the first time in many days, didn't feel anything. No kicks, no pokes, no nothing, even when I poked myself and tried different postures that usually get her riled up. With Glen away, it didn't take long for me to move from concerned to half-panicked. (Of course, that was also the morning the dogs picked to fight and one of them fell halfway down the stairs...) So I broke our rule, and used the heart monitor he gave me. Usually we have agreed that I won't use it alone (in case for some reason I can't find a heartbeat, so I don't panic), but I reasoned since I was already in that state, it could only help... Anyway, I found her heartbeat immediately, nice and strong. And, oddly enough, as soon as I started using it, she started kicking, exactly in the spot where the montior wand was. I wonder if somehow she can hear it? Or feel it? Seemed too weird that she picked the moment and spot by coincidence. Or maybe it was simply my complete happiness in hearing that wonderful sound. That got me to thinking about what does make her kick. There are some pretty distinct differences in her kicks - sometimes she feels squirmy and happy, and other times it's like she's just pushing at the position I'm in (like the lunchtime discussion today...). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the times when she feels happy and squirmy are when I'm happy. Like when I'm singing or when there's some burst of joy, coming over a hill to find a beautiful sunset or sitting contentedly next to Glen in the evenings... I don't know that she can feel what I feel, but it seems likely that she does get the same chemicals that go through my body, so if there's a burst of endorphins or whatever, why wouldn't she feel them? And when I'm tense or scared, she definitely gets more quiet. So there's a challenge for me, right? Whenever I'm worried because she's not moving enough, worry only makes her get quieter. The trick is to be able to find peace and even joy despite the fear. Another test of faith? Yes! Definitely not an easy one, but a good lesson to learn.

I also remembered that joy is almost always balanced by a bit of sadness. Sunday I had a great day with my sister-in-law and niece registering at Babies-R-Us. I could not have been happier, wandering the store with her and scanning all the things that our little girl will hopefully someday sleep or move or play in. We spent hours picking thermometers and bumpers and tiny clothes. Full of plans and dreams, the drive home was unexpectedly tinted with worry again. What if all those plans and dreams somehow don't work out? What if she's early, what if she's sick? Not really scared so much as just tired and overfull of emotion. Sometimes I think that's just how it works, you can't quite live on joy alone... Even when the joy is so huge...