Week 1 - continued (also September 1)
OK, I admit - I am cheating here and pasting in an email I sent, but last week just getting a few emails out had me dangerously close to tears and meltdowns at work, and it's seems like my emotions change every five minutes...
This has definitely been a much harder week than the one with the grandmas. It was so much easier knowing that the two people watching her would probably give their lives for her. Also, then I knew that I would have some time off again. Being here really full time is like going back to school, but worse! And even though Melanie has been really good with Emma, we have had all sorts of rough spots in the "house rules" area. Some day I'll tell you that whole story, but suffice it to say I've considered not doing this several times seriously based on house stuff, and if she weren't so good with Emma she'd be gone by now… Also, as you see in the other email, pumping has been hard to get used to. I am determined to make it work as much as I can, but the guilt of not being able to stay 100% breast milk is getting to me. Glen keeps trying to remind me that we always said we would do what we could and not be unreasonable - formula fed babies like him survive just fine! But somehow I just thought since the nursing was going so well, why shouldn't pumping go well too? In fairness, Melanie says she thinks I am making a lot more milk than many women and there are a lot of mothers who can't produce enough even when breastfeeding normally, but still it lingers…
Emma seems to be happy though, that's the important thing. Of course, then I get the opposite emotion of how can she be so happy when I'm not there? Doesn't she miss me? Struggling with the realization that Melanie already knows some of her new tricks and noises better than I do. She discovered that Emma likes "Ickle me pickle me tickle me too" (… went to ride in a flying shoe… Shel Silverstein) and I am jealous that I didn't get to read it to her first… Melanie is also good at being creative and finding new things to do, and in the evenings, much as I love Emma, the brain is not quick enough to make up so many new things. Again, thankful that I still have the nursing. Selfish selfish selfish, but don't know what I would do without that to myself.
This has definitely been a much harder week than the one with the grandmas. It was so much easier knowing that the two people watching her would probably give their lives for her. Also, then I knew that I would have some time off again. Being here really full time is like going back to school, but worse! And even though Melanie has been really good with Emma, we have had all sorts of rough spots in the "house rules" area. Some day I'll tell you that whole story, but suffice it to say I've considered not doing this several times seriously based on house stuff, and if she weren't so good with Emma she'd be gone by now… Also, as you see in the other email, pumping has been hard to get used to. I am determined to make it work as much as I can, but the guilt of not being able to stay 100% breast milk is getting to me. Glen keeps trying to remind me that we always said we would do what we could and not be unreasonable - formula fed babies like him survive just fine! But somehow I just thought since the nursing was going so well, why shouldn't pumping go well too? In fairness, Melanie says she thinks I am making a lot more milk than many women and there are a lot of mothers who can't produce enough even when breastfeeding normally, but still it lingers…
Emma seems to be happy though, that's the important thing. Of course, then I get the opposite emotion of how can she be so happy when I'm not there? Doesn't she miss me? Struggling with the realization that Melanie already knows some of her new tricks and noises better than I do. She discovered that Emma likes "Ickle me pickle me tickle me too" (… went to ride in a flying shoe… Shel Silverstein) and I am jealous that I didn't get to read it to her first… Melanie is also good at being creative and finding new things to do, and in the evenings, much as I love Emma, the brain is not quick enough to make up so many new things. Again, thankful that I still have the nursing. Selfish selfish selfish, but don't know what I would do without that to myself.
posted by me at 9:54 AM
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