Those perfect moments
So, I haven't really had a chance to write much since little Emma was born. It's just over two months, and maybe we've finally learned enough about each other to get sortof a rhythm to our days. Still not easy, and I'm standing at the kitchen counter typing with her in her carrier, bouncing just a little so she sleeps on...
I do very much want to keep a record of all that is happening. So much, and it flies by so fast! I want to remember it all, and I want there to be a record so she knows how much I love her and how I treasure these precious moments. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for motherhood, except that somewhere along the way God blessed me with the ability to enjoy life moment to moment. That's so important now! When I think about the last two months as a whole, they're very much a blur of not eating, sleeping, trying to get her to sleep or eat, and of course loving her and holding her. There are days when I find that I've just spent 3 hours not moving from the same chair, watching terrible daytime tv and letting her nap and my hand has gone numb under her. But through that blur there are those magic moments, those spots in time that I hope I never forget. There are minutes dancing with her in my arms to Jimmy Buffett or Disney, seeing her smile up at me and knowing she's happy. There is that first time she looked at me and smiled and reached out her arms for me. (She was propped up in the living room recliner, and I was putting on her snugli carrier and asking if she was ready to be mommy's little helper... That still may have been a coincidence of uncoordination for her, but I'll always treasure it!) There are times when she's just on the edge of sleep, when I run my hands through her hair or run a finger oh so gently down her nose, and she slips into perfect contented peace. In fact,that's what brought this blog on - she's in her carrier, and I was standing in the kitchen thinking about what I've come in lower moments to think of as the "endless succession of days." Even though I wouldn't give up these months at home for the world, it is hard not having something solid to focus on - no goal, no project to complete. Everything is tied up in her, and it's not like you can make a goal be getting her to smile 20 times today! Some days the biggest thing to plan for is a trip to Barnes and Noble or the grocery store. Not easy for someone like me who thrives in a crisis work environment! Still, just as I was thinking about all that, I noticed Emma was awake, just looking up at me with this perfect look of sleepy peace. I knew in that instant that she loves me, and she knows she's safe here in my arms, and she's happy to be here. She kindof sighed and nodded her head forward to rest on my chest, and one arm came up and a hand rested on my arm softly. Amazing. Just like that I'm in love all over again, and there's nothing more important in the whole world than that tiny hand on my arm. Lunch went cold, and I even waited to type this until she went limp with heavy sleep and her hand slipped off. Never in a million years could I have imagined this before she was born. And now, words don't seem adequate. I wonder if any poem can capture this feeling? It's like the movie Contact, when Jodie Foster gets to the new solar system and she cries because it's so beautiful. She says "no words", and then she says they should have sent a poet. I thought I was a poet, but this... this is beyond me. So far beyond.
Golden sun slips through the trees,
gathering leaves one by one.
A bird sings:
The dawning of a smile.
I do very much want to keep a record of all that is happening. So much, and it flies by so fast! I want to remember it all, and I want there to be a record so she knows how much I love her and how I treasure these precious moments. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for motherhood, except that somewhere along the way God blessed me with the ability to enjoy life moment to moment. That's so important now! When I think about the last two months as a whole, they're very much a blur of not eating, sleeping, trying to get her to sleep or eat, and of course loving her and holding her. There are days when I find that I've just spent 3 hours not moving from the same chair, watching terrible daytime tv and letting her nap and my hand has gone numb under her. But through that blur there are those magic moments, those spots in time that I hope I never forget. There are minutes dancing with her in my arms to Jimmy Buffett or Disney, seeing her smile up at me and knowing she's happy. There is that first time she looked at me and smiled and reached out her arms for me. (She was propped up in the living room recliner, and I was putting on her snugli carrier and asking if she was ready to be mommy's little helper... That still may have been a coincidence of uncoordination for her, but I'll always treasure it!) There are times when she's just on the edge of sleep, when I run my hands through her hair or run a finger oh so gently down her nose, and she slips into perfect contented peace. In fact,that's what brought this blog on - she's in her carrier, and I was standing in the kitchen thinking about what I've come in lower moments to think of as the "endless succession of days." Even though I wouldn't give up these months at home for the world, it is hard not having something solid to focus on - no goal, no project to complete. Everything is tied up in her, and it's not like you can make a goal be getting her to smile 20 times today! Some days the biggest thing to plan for is a trip to Barnes and Noble or the grocery store. Not easy for someone like me who thrives in a crisis work environment! Still, just as I was thinking about all that, I noticed Emma was awake, just looking up at me with this perfect look of sleepy peace. I knew in that instant that she loves me, and she knows she's safe here in my arms, and she's happy to be here. She kindof sighed and nodded her head forward to rest on my chest, and one arm came up and a hand rested on my arm softly. Amazing. Just like that I'm in love all over again, and there's nothing more important in the whole world than that tiny hand on my arm. Lunch went cold, and I even waited to type this until she went limp with heavy sleep and her hand slipped off. Never in a million years could I have imagined this before she was born. And now, words don't seem adequate. I wonder if any poem can capture this feeling? It's like the movie Contact, when Jodie Foster gets to the new solar system and she cries because it's so beautiful. She says "no words", and then she says they should have sent a poet. I thought I was a poet, but this... this is beyond me. So far beyond.
Golden sun slips through the trees,
gathering leaves one by one.
A bird sings:
The dawning of a smile.
posted by me at 10:00 AM
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