Entitled "Prayer for God's words to be spoken" or "A Letter to my Aunt (unsent)"

So, as I was telling my aunt last Sunday about Dad, she asked me if anyone has spoken to him about accepting Jesus into his heart.  I told her I had not, but that I had talked to him alot about God and heaven and what I believe happens after death, etc.  I said it had been my role that weekend to help him let go and not be afraid, if she felt strongly about adding the Jesus part, perhaps that was to be her role.  I got called away after that so we never finished the conversation.  Only I told my mom about it.  And she talked to the chaplain about it.  And the nurse.  And all were horrified by the idea that after so much struggle and so much fight and so much fear, my aunt might bring up Jesus and send him back into a tailspin.  So, after some discussion we decided I should write an email.  And I did.  And I sent it to mom and she shared it with the chaplain and they thought I should be more firm.  And in the end I had to back away and I did not send it.  Because here we come to a funny point of balance - how do you balance what the living need versus what the dying need?  Who am I to tell her she can't talk to him about Jesus?  Even if he gets agitated, even if he gets upset.  God forbid, even if it causes him to linger longer - he is still going to die.  He will die and he will be at peace.  But she will continue living, and she will have to live with whatever she feels about what she did or did not say.  She will have to wonder if she should have or maybe even to wonder about the state of his soul.  I just can't do that.  She has to speak her conscience.  So instead I will pray alot for her to find the right words that help bring more peace, to both of them.  And mom will probably talk to her, because she is dad's defender and that is her role and that is what she has to deal with after.  At least she said my letter helped her organize her thoughts.  And I will add the letter here, so it is heard somewhere too.  And we all do what we need, hopefully an' it harm none.
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"I have been thinking alot about the conversation we started Sunday (which got cut short when the nurse needed help - sorry!)  Hard to think of much else really when Dad seems so near the end...

I did want to say that although I never heard Dad really talk about Christ, he did have a pretty strong belief in God.  He taught me that God is in nature - in the mountains and the woods and the ocean and all the other beautiful things He created in nature.  I guess I assumed that the whole pine box thing went with that - he wanted to go back into nature.  For awhile there it seemed that this didn't give him much comfort though, in that he started to get scared about what would happen after death.  First he seemed to think it would just end (which makes sense if you want to go back to earth), but then he started to doubt that and he got scared about what if it was bad after death.  So mom and I have actually been talking to him alot about heaven. At first we talked about heaven in relation to nature, as in how beautiful and special it would be there, and how the mountains would be more amazing than anything he'd ever seen, etc.  When he became afraid of the stormclouds, you saw we tried to remind him of how storms could lead to wonderful things.  But mostly last weekend we talked about how God loves him, and how God will take him gently away, and how in heaven he will be able to be with all his family and friends again, and he will be whole and able to walk and use his hands and see and fix things again and how he will be able to take walks with Shorty and Jesse again.  We talked about how God made a place for him there and how we would see him there someday. 

We also spent a long time talking to him about all the things he was worried weren't finished - his shop, his work, his money plans, the cars, the house.  Everything he was worried was unfinished business, we explained how either it was all done already or how we had a plan to take care of it, even down to when the last oil change happened!  

We said so many things that day it's hard to know what worked, but it seems like something did, because Sunday and then through this week he's been so peaceful finally.  Linda and Amelia both noted how calm he seems, how peaceful, as if his worries have been put to rest.  Even the voices seem to be leaving him alone.  I hope you get to see it because it's nice to see him this way.

I know we started to talk about whether he has accepted Christ, or whether anyone has talked to him.  So, I asked Mom if Linda ever talked to him about it.  She said Linda tried, but whenever she brought it up he became very agitated.  So, I guess what I am getting at is that I know it is important to you to talk to him about Jesus, but I hope that you will be gentle so that he doesn't think he has something left to do after all.  I want him to know and love Jesus, and I have been praying for it, but I am so scared that he will get scared again.  For me, Dad was such a big, strong man, that the fear has been the absolute hardest thing to watch.  I can deal with weak, I can deal with holding him up and helping him eat or drink, I can deal rubbing his back and feet.  I can't manage the fear.  Seeing him Sunday and hearing about this week, without the fear, seems like a blessing to me.  So I just ask that you be gentle with it.

I'm sorry I will miss being there with you.  There are alot of logical reasons not to overlap, but I sure do miss you getting to spend this time with you. 

Many many many hugs,

Karin"