My Father Died Today

My father died today.  We knew it was coming, of course.  It has been for so long.  On Tuesday (while I was at the bus stop, of course), Mom called to tell me the nurses believed he had entered transition, or the "active phase" of dying.  For a few moments it was just me and Alexandra waiting for Emma's bus.  I told Alex that grandpa was going to die in a few days.  She told me "Yeah, he's going to die tomorrow.  Mommy be brave."  After agonizing, I finally decided to come home Thursday, taking Wednesday to run around like a crazy person and get everything ready for Glen and the girls.  I hoped I would make it home, but knew in my heart that it would be OK if I didn't.  Everything that needed to be said was said that last weekend when I was home.  He hasn't spoken for days now, can't hug or even really acknowledge anyone.  So, I had my time.  This morning as I was gettng ready, mom called and told me his breathing had changed.  A few minutes later, she called again and told me simply that he had stopped breathing.  Somehow I got through the morning without telling the girls, because it seemed just cruel to tell them and then send them to school.  So I left that for Glen, and like molasses I moved through the day to get home.  I am sorry I missed him, but I am OK with this too.  I guess I never actually saw him in the hospital bed, which is something.  So, we made the funeral arrangements today, and planing planning planning.  I feel like I have not stopped planning since the moment she called on Tuesday.  I am looking forward in some ways to seeing him again at the viewing Sunday, just so I can have a moment with him that is not filled with planning.

I guess I have not really been still yet.  That will come.