for myself
For myself and Emma... I just want Emma to be able to read some day about how this all went, so she knows that it was hard but also that she is worth every second.
Going back to work has been one of the hardest things I think I've ever done. It's not like going to school or starting some new exciting job or moving to Germany - this time I think I really am missing more than I'm gaining. I've gone back to a job that I don't love so much, and each moment I know that someone else is watching you smile or sleep or cry. Every day I wonder if I have made the right choice, and every day I decide to try one more day, hoping that the next day will be better. Some have been, but then other days are harder and my emotions range all over the board. This morning I realized that I wasn't crying when I left the house - a first - and then I felt guilty because I wasn't sad enough! Like not crying meant I miss you less or love you less - HA! Still, everything as a new mom is different and brings thoughts and feelings I never imagined such a strong professional like me would have. I thought by now I would be tired of staying home and bored silly, but instead I discovered that being with you and being your mother is more rewarding than anything I've ever accomplished. Some days are hard, of course - days when we can't even get dressed properly or get out of the house - but other days just seem to be a world of discovery and joy. So why am I here at work? Practically, there are some pretty good reasons. Money, benefits. Not that we couldn't live with a smaller pay for me, but it would be tight. And mostly, what if I did stop working? Though I have been soulsearching for weeks now, I still don't know what else I would do. Lots of ideas like going back to school or switching into other career areas, but nothing I can really grab onto. So if I stopped, what would I have to go back to? Some day you'll grow and be out of the house again, and then what? I know alot of moms who say that their career was never the same. Is that OK? It might be, but I'm not sure enough yet to quite let go. In my most quiet moments, I feel called to go back to school for literature and religion. But then I don't know what I would do with it, and again there's that fear of letting go without knowing... What I do know is that I want to do my best for you, and that I want to pass on the feeling of bravely knowing you can do anything, anything you want.
My baby Emma, this time with you is so amazing. Being away from you certainly makes me appreciate more the time with you. Maybe it took coming back to work and pumping to make me really see how much I like breastfeeding you. It definitely took coming back to work to make me treasure that 3 am feeding! In fact, the last few days you've almost slept through that early morning time, and I've gotten you up. Partly because I know that's the best time to feed you to start your day and keep my milk supply up. But admittedly it's more because I am not willing to give up that time with you where it's just us in the dark, in the sanctuary that your father built for us. I know too that I am tired when I get home, and probably not as exciting as Melanie in some ways - that's hard. This is still new to me too, and making up games is not always my strongest skill! But even just those times when you lay on the bed looking up at me and we sing and play with feet and hands are a joy to me, and I think to you too. They make me remember that I don't have to be exciting all the time - I just have to be there for you. For now at least my face is still a world for you, just as yours is for me. You tiny hands are two little miracles, your feet the most irresistible things to kiss. And exploring each other is the best game anyone ever invented.
As I continue these weeks, I pray that God will help me figure out what to do. If it's right for me to stay, let me get more comfortable. If it's time to do something else, a little help? And in everything, let there be angels watching over Emma and our little family, guiding us and keeping us safe. amen
Going back to work has been one of the hardest things I think I've ever done. It's not like going to school or starting some new exciting job or moving to Germany - this time I think I really am missing more than I'm gaining. I've gone back to a job that I don't love so much, and each moment I know that someone else is watching you smile or sleep or cry. Every day I wonder if I have made the right choice, and every day I decide to try one more day, hoping that the next day will be better. Some have been, but then other days are harder and my emotions range all over the board. This morning I realized that I wasn't crying when I left the house - a first - and then I felt guilty because I wasn't sad enough! Like not crying meant I miss you less or love you less - HA! Still, everything as a new mom is different and brings thoughts and feelings I never imagined such a strong professional like me would have. I thought by now I would be tired of staying home and bored silly, but instead I discovered that being with you and being your mother is more rewarding than anything I've ever accomplished. Some days are hard, of course - days when we can't even get dressed properly or get out of the house - but other days just seem to be a world of discovery and joy. So why am I here at work? Practically, there are some pretty good reasons. Money, benefits. Not that we couldn't live with a smaller pay for me, but it would be tight. And mostly, what if I did stop working? Though I have been soulsearching for weeks now, I still don't know what else I would do. Lots of ideas like going back to school or switching into other career areas, but nothing I can really grab onto. So if I stopped, what would I have to go back to? Some day you'll grow and be out of the house again, and then what? I know alot of moms who say that their career was never the same. Is that OK? It might be, but I'm not sure enough yet to quite let go. In my most quiet moments, I feel called to go back to school for literature and religion. But then I don't know what I would do with it, and again there's that fear of letting go without knowing... What I do know is that I want to do my best for you, and that I want to pass on the feeling of bravely knowing you can do anything, anything you want.
My baby Emma, this time with you is so amazing. Being away from you certainly makes me appreciate more the time with you. Maybe it took coming back to work and pumping to make me really see how much I like breastfeeding you. It definitely took coming back to work to make me treasure that 3 am feeding! In fact, the last few days you've almost slept through that early morning time, and I've gotten you up. Partly because I know that's the best time to feed you to start your day and keep my milk supply up. But admittedly it's more because I am not willing to give up that time with you where it's just us in the dark, in the sanctuary that your father built for us. I know too that I am tired when I get home, and probably not as exciting as Melanie in some ways - that's hard. This is still new to me too, and making up games is not always my strongest skill! But even just those times when you lay on the bed looking up at me and we sing and play with feet and hands are a joy to me, and I think to you too. They make me remember that I don't have to be exciting all the time - I just have to be there for you. For now at least my face is still a world for you, just as yours is for me. You tiny hands are two little miracles, your feet the most irresistible things to kiss. And exploring each other is the best game anyone ever invented.
As I continue these weeks, I pray that God will help me figure out what to do. If it's right for me to stay, let me get more comfortable. If it's time to do something else, a little help? And in everything, let there be angels watching over Emma and our little family, guiding us and keeping us safe. amen
posted by me at 12:18 PM
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