up, down, up down
Where to start today? I'm out of breath with so many things happening lately. Last night was bad, today I can't keep up at all. Where to start?
OK, so Friday was a GREAT day. We'll start there. Friday my husband and I played hooky for the day, happily handing Emma over to her au pair like any other weekday and jumping on the train to New York City. It's the first real outing we've had alone, and it was wonderful. For once I didn't even feel guilty leaving her, and also didn't feel the overwhelming urge to rush rush rush back. What a blessing by itself. There are some good things to having an au pair... So, we started with a nice lunch and a glass of wine at a little french bistro. So sunny and even HOT that we had to change seats! That's something to be savored as we ease into Autumn (even though Fall is really my favorite - boots! Turtlenecks! I digress...) We wandered the streets window shopping and holding hands, and made our way to Union Square. After looking at all the artists and the fruit and veggie market, smelling the fresh basil and munching on raspberry pastries, we just sat on a bench and breathed together. Should we nap? Should we shop more? Should we go on to the Met? The wonder of options, with no Emma to consider. We need to do that more often, if only to maintain our own sense of selves. After a long pause, I was starting to notice that full feeling. As a bit of a drag, I had to bring along the trusty old Pump In Style, but admittedly I do feel pretty good knowing I am still providing for my baby, even while stealing away... Just as I was wondering where to perform such an awkward act (much weirder than breastfeeding and I'm not quite up to pumping in public, even if it was NYC!) lo and behold, peeping through the trees was a purple "r us." Know what's attached to that? "Babies!" Yeah! "Babies r us" is great because they have a "mothers' room" designed just for feeding, pumping, changing, and all other things public and private baby. A little tidbit of perfect timing, for which I was grateful. After that, we walked and then grabbed the subway up to Central Park. For the first time, found we both missed Emma. There were little kids and mommies/nannies with strollers everywhere. Thoughts of taking Emma to the zoo, climbing the rocks, playing on the grass. Even dreaming of breastfeeding her in some little secluded grassy circle of our own. We stopped to listen to a streetband and watched the toddlers dance and stare. It was almost like a physical ache, wanting her to be there with us, and we kept telling each other "next time, next time." Now we know. From there we did go to the Met. I wanted to find the Man in the Bowler Hat - from my favorite movie The Thomas Crown Affair - but sadly we didn't find him. We did, however, find our way to the rooftop cafe, where we spent some romantic minutes sitting with that view of the city. Not a bad way to end the day, and we have to go back. Now we have a list, or at least there's one in my head, of all the things we didn't get to do and see that we need to go back for. The angel in the park, washington square, shows, more park, FAO schwartz, food, food, food. Glen wants to do some of the other neighborhoods, we both think we need more trips (small bites) to the Met. Some with Emma, some not. The trick will be just to remember and get off our butts next time when we're feeling lazy and not up to the trip. To remember that we had more energy at the end of the day than at the beginning.
The weekend pretty much went down, up, down down down from there. We just couldn't seem to get it together. We went to the mall and I got to shop for clothes, which was great, but did one store too many and she went from happy sleeping stroller baby to crying inconsolable car baby and fussy not wanting to go to bed nighttime baby. Sunday was a mess of missed opportunities. Seemed like every time Glen needed something from me, I was feeding Emma or trying to convince her to nap. Every time I needed Glen to help with her, he was immersed in some project. Just at odds all day, and ending with a total meltdown caused mainly by my waking her up one too many times to do something (groceries, dinner). I think we also might be trying to many things at once in terms of training her, to tell the truth. First, the pediatrician (was it only last week? the week before? it's running together...) told us to stop feeding her every two hours and really work on getting her to a longer interval. Wouldn't worry so much, except she used the magic reasoning that continuing the way we were will end up making her overeat and could cause problems in the long run (ie make her fat!). Panic, instant change must happen. I mean, trying to be reasonable, but it's hard when you hear that you might be doing something harmful. So, working on that. Even though that's mostly the au pair's job during the day, we're seeing little changes at night. She wants to eat when she wants to eat! Also, finally gave in to my husband and moved her for the whole night to her crib. This breaks my heart - can she really be old enough for her own room? - and leaves me terrified - what if someone comes and steals her away? - but is probably a good thing. It is nicer not having to tiptoe around at bedtime like stealth mommy, and I don't cringe anymore every time Glen snores or the dogs shake their collars. But still... But, she does seem to be getting up more often now. She used to just get up once a night, around 3 or 4. Some nights she would even go all night (scaring me, of course, but she was only sleeping happily!). Now, no such luck. 11:30 and 3:00. We tried one night to get her back to sleep without constant nursing, but after an exhausting hour decided that was just too much. I know we need to find a way to get her to sleep without my breast, but I just can't do it right now. She needs sleep more than training. The other thing we realized is that she's falling asleep in my arms at 7:30 or 8 most nights anyway, so it seemed logical to shift her bedtime to that, instead of waking her up at 9 to take her upstairs. OK, seems logical, but in practice it means she's missing one feeding at night, also probably contributing to the waking up. There are just so many things to try and do, I know in my heart they are all good but just too many at once. The au pair is begging me to try and get her to sleep without the breast so Emma will sleep better during the day, my husband is begging me to get her onto the new schedule in her own room so he can sleep and maybe we can even feel like husband and wife again instead of exhausted zombie parents. I just want peace and sleep. And for her to be healthy and happy and to wake up every morning to her miraculous smile.
So, last night topped it all off because not only did Emma get up twice, but the au pair woke everyone up when she came in and the dogs started barking (why now? they don't do that most nights), and the monitor mysteriously started making these static noises that kept me awake. I finally tuned them out, and then woke to Glen leaning over me asking what the hell the noise was - he thought it was a mouse scratching! Finally figured out the monitor and the phone are interacting. Since we need the monitor, out went the phone... Oh, and along with moving her to her room, we're having fun monitor games. Like so many low-end audio things, there is really no low volume. There are only loud and useless settings. Since I've woken up twice hearing her screaming in real life stereo (monitor and voice) while trying to keep the monitor low (ie useless setting), I've come to the conclusion that we'll have to go with loud. Not ideal, and I hear her fussing more and Glen wishes I would just turn it down "because we'll hear her anyway", but also less unpleasant than waking up to baby already in full cry (because we didn't hear her) and flying half-dressed down the hall, trying to find arms and legs in my sweats and leaping over black and white doggy shadow forms and oh yeah, not waking up everyone else... This way at least I get some warning and can wake up a few minutes before she's all out. Knowing again that this is going to work better in the long run, but I swear I haven't had a real night's sleep since we moved her...
Anyway, again I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, so the other thing was Jesse. My beloved old baby Jesse was up all night, panting and pacing and drinking and panting and pacing... For some reason at about 4:30 am, after I had been peacefully sleeping from Emma's last feeding, Jesse decides to start barking. Not like someone is breaking in, just one at a time. She wants attention. I don't know why, but clearly she is determined to get it. I kicked Glen out of bed and he let her out, but no better. I finally got out of bed and laid down on the floor with her. My poor old baby. I still don't know what was wrong, but at least she stopped pacing. I did get a few kisses finally too, but then she stood outside the shower staring at me (panting) and when I left for work she was wedged in between the au pair's legs. I don't know what to do for her. Is she hurt? Sick? Or just sad because she's not the center of my world anymore. Wish I knew what to do for her.
But, the light at the end of the tunnel. Joy of my life. Emma smiled when I woke her up this morning and reached up and grabbed my hands. She buries her face in my chest as I pick her up, and gurgles shyly at her dad when he kisses her good morning. As I made breakfast, she kept up a steady stream of baby talk. I asked her questions about her dreams - did you dream about fish? turtles? horses? cows? She laughed and smiled and babbled at trees and Davy Crockett and possibly Pop-Pop (but he's kindof like Davy Crockett), so I guess that's what she dreamed about. My darling baby. Sleep deprived, shaky, in search of caffeine and food, I am suddenly smiling. I am in love. My Emma.
OK, so Friday was a GREAT day. We'll start there. Friday my husband and I played hooky for the day, happily handing Emma over to her au pair like any other weekday and jumping on the train to New York City. It's the first real outing we've had alone, and it was wonderful. For once I didn't even feel guilty leaving her, and also didn't feel the overwhelming urge to rush rush rush back. What a blessing by itself. There are some good things to having an au pair... So, we started with a nice lunch and a glass of wine at a little french bistro. So sunny and even HOT that we had to change seats! That's something to be savored as we ease into Autumn (even though Fall is really my favorite - boots! Turtlenecks! I digress...) We wandered the streets window shopping and holding hands, and made our way to Union Square. After looking at all the artists and the fruit and veggie market, smelling the fresh basil and munching on raspberry pastries, we just sat on a bench and breathed together. Should we nap? Should we shop more? Should we go on to the Met? The wonder of options, with no Emma to consider. We need to do that more often, if only to maintain our own sense of selves. After a long pause, I was starting to notice that full feeling. As a bit of a drag, I had to bring along the trusty old Pump In Style, but admittedly I do feel pretty good knowing I am still providing for my baby, even while stealing away... Just as I was wondering where to perform such an awkward act (much weirder than breastfeeding and I'm not quite up to pumping in public, even if it was NYC!) lo and behold, peeping through the trees was a purple "r us." Know what's attached to that? "Babies!" Yeah! "Babies r us" is great because they have a "mothers' room" designed just for feeding, pumping, changing, and all other things public and private baby. A little tidbit of perfect timing, for which I was grateful. After that, we walked and then grabbed the subway up to Central Park. For the first time, found we both missed Emma. There were little kids and mommies/nannies with strollers everywhere. Thoughts of taking Emma to the zoo, climbing the rocks, playing on the grass. Even dreaming of breastfeeding her in some little secluded grassy circle of our own. We stopped to listen to a streetband and watched the toddlers dance and stare. It was almost like a physical ache, wanting her to be there with us, and we kept telling each other "next time, next time." Now we know. From there we did go to the Met. I wanted to find the Man in the Bowler Hat - from my favorite movie The Thomas Crown Affair - but sadly we didn't find him. We did, however, find our way to the rooftop cafe, where we spent some romantic minutes sitting with that view of the city. Not a bad way to end the day, and we have to go back. Now we have a list, or at least there's one in my head, of all the things we didn't get to do and see that we need to go back for. The angel in the park, washington square, shows, more park, FAO schwartz, food, food, food. Glen wants to do some of the other neighborhoods, we both think we need more trips (small bites) to the Met. Some with Emma, some not. The trick will be just to remember and get off our butts next time when we're feeling lazy and not up to the trip. To remember that we had more energy at the end of the day than at the beginning.
The weekend pretty much went down, up, down down down from there. We just couldn't seem to get it together. We went to the mall and I got to shop for clothes, which was great, but did one store too many and she went from happy sleeping stroller baby to crying inconsolable car baby and fussy not wanting to go to bed nighttime baby. Sunday was a mess of missed opportunities. Seemed like every time Glen needed something from me, I was feeding Emma or trying to convince her to nap. Every time I needed Glen to help with her, he was immersed in some project. Just at odds all day, and ending with a total meltdown caused mainly by my waking her up one too many times to do something (groceries, dinner). I think we also might be trying to many things at once in terms of training her, to tell the truth. First, the pediatrician (was it only last week? the week before? it's running together...) told us to stop feeding her every two hours and really work on getting her to a longer interval. Wouldn't worry so much, except she used the magic reasoning that continuing the way we were will end up making her overeat and could cause problems in the long run (ie make her fat!). Panic, instant change must happen. I mean, trying to be reasonable, but it's hard when you hear that you might be doing something harmful. So, working on that. Even though that's mostly the au pair's job during the day, we're seeing little changes at night. She wants to eat when she wants to eat! Also, finally gave in to my husband and moved her for the whole night to her crib. This breaks my heart - can she really be old enough for her own room? - and leaves me terrified - what if someone comes and steals her away? - but is probably a good thing. It is nicer not having to tiptoe around at bedtime like stealth mommy, and I don't cringe anymore every time Glen snores or the dogs shake their collars. But still... But, she does seem to be getting up more often now. She used to just get up once a night, around 3 or 4. Some nights she would even go all night (scaring me, of course, but she was only sleeping happily!). Now, no such luck. 11:30 and 3:00. We tried one night to get her back to sleep without constant nursing, but after an exhausting hour decided that was just too much. I know we need to find a way to get her to sleep without my breast, but I just can't do it right now. She needs sleep more than training. The other thing we realized is that she's falling asleep in my arms at 7:30 or 8 most nights anyway, so it seemed logical to shift her bedtime to that, instead of waking her up at 9 to take her upstairs. OK, seems logical, but in practice it means she's missing one feeding at night, also probably contributing to the waking up. There are just so many things to try and do, I know in my heart they are all good but just too many at once. The au pair is begging me to try and get her to sleep without the breast so Emma will sleep better during the day, my husband is begging me to get her onto the new schedule in her own room so he can sleep and maybe we can even feel like husband and wife again instead of exhausted zombie parents. I just want peace and sleep. And for her to be healthy and happy and to wake up every morning to her miraculous smile.
So, last night topped it all off because not only did Emma get up twice, but the au pair woke everyone up when she came in and the dogs started barking (why now? they don't do that most nights), and the monitor mysteriously started making these static noises that kept me awake. I finally tuned them out, and then woke to Glen leaning over me asking what the hell the noise was - he thought it was a mouse scratching! Finally figured out the monitor and the phone are interacting. Since we need the monitor, out went the phone... Oh, and along with moving her to her room, we're having fun monitor games. Like so many low-end audio things, there is really no low volume. There are only loud and useless settings. Since I've woken up twice hearing her screaming in real life stereo (monitor and voice) while trying to keep the monitor low (ie useless setting), I've come to the conclusion that we'll have to go with loud. Not ideal, and I hear her fussing more and Glen wishes I would just turn it down "because we'll hear her anyway", but also less unpleasant than waking up to baby already in full cry (because we didn't hear her) and flying half-dressed down the hall, trying to find arms and legs in my sweats and leaping over black and white doggy shadow forms and oh yeah, not waking up everyone else... This way at least I get some warning and can wake up a few minutes before she's all out. Knowing again that this is going to work better in the long run, but I swear I haven't had a real night's sleep since we moved her...
Anyway, again I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, so the other thing was Jesse. My beloved old baby Jesse was up all night, panting and pacing and drinking and panting and pacing... For some reason at about 4:30 am, after I had been peacefully sleeping from Emma's last feeding, Jesse decides to start barking. Not like someone is breaking in, just one at a time. She wants attention. I don't know why, but clearly she is determined to get it. I kicked Glen out of bed and he let her out, but no better. I finally got out of bed and laid down on the floor with her. My poor old baby. I still don't know what was wrong, but at least she stopped pacing. I did get a few kisses finally too, but then she stood outside the shower staring at me (panting) and when I left for work she was wedged in between the au pair's legs. I don't know what to do for her. Is she hurt? Sick? Or just sad because she's not the center of my world anymore. Wish I knew what to do for her.
But, the light at the end of the tunnel. Joy of my life. Emma smiled when I woke her up this morning and reached up and grabbed my hands. She buries her face in my chest as I pick her up, and gurgles shyly at her dad when he kisses her good morning. As I made breakfast, she kept up a steady stream of baby talk. I asked her questions about her dreams - did you dream about fish? turtles? horses? cows? She laughed and smiled and babbled at trees and Davy Crockett and possibly Pop-Pop (but he's kindof like Davy Crockett), so I guess that's what she dreamed about. My darling baby. Sleep deprived, shaky, in search of caffeine and food, I am suddenly smiling. I am in love. My Emma.
posted by me at 7:47 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home