Week 4 - getting easier
So, today marks the beginning of week 4 back at work. I have to admit, it is getting easier. I did not cry this morning, just a few long sighs (but many many many kisses) and the guilt over the fact that I did not cry is not so heavy either. I still find it amazing the way my head and heart occasionally conspire against me some days! Emma still seems to be doing well, and she usually smiles at me as I walk away. Clearly she suffers no agonies of separation and guilt! Also doing better with the au pair, although I am looking forward to the day when we switch to daycare. I know in my heart that this is good for Emma. Being home is a happy place for her and she is well cared for. But wishing she were two blocks away instead and I could be looking forawrd to feeding her at lunch instead of pumping... Realized that by the time she gets to daycare, she'll be nine months old - probably pretty close to weaning from breastfeeding. So sad! Better to think of other things quick!
This weekend we went to a wedding for one of Glen's oldest friends. Another first for me - pumping at a wedding! Physical necessity sure trumps reserve or shyness. I shouldered my black backpack pump and boldly carried it into the reception! Luckily, it was at a country club that has these fancy rooms there for wedding guests, and someone was kind enough to loan me use of their room for 20 minutes. The only strategic snag was I wore a long dress with no fastenings on top, so it was a little awkward trying to drag the neck down low enough to get to the breasts. It looked like everything survived intact, but we'll see after the cleaners whether I did any real damage to the seems. Sigh. All worth it though. I did meet two mothers, both of whom said the "couldn't" breastfeed and claimed to envy me, though they did not seem to miss the pumping thing. One had a latching problem, the other said dairy bothers her baby and she couldn't seem to get it out of her diet. I wonder would I have perservered if I had such issues? I know my first reaction was surprise by the clear "couldn't" statement. I mean, after hearing in my support group the lengths some women went to to make it work, these two seemed ridiculously mild. Is it so hard to avoid dairy? Or have I become one of the breastfeeding nazis I dreaded early on? Glen seems to think I'm just much stronger, stronger than I give myself credit for. I wonder if they just didn't have the support I do at Pennsylvania hospital, and once again thank God for such strength and help. And at the end of the day, I am so very thankful I have gotten to nurse and nurture her this way. Yesterday too made me realize how easily this time could be interrupted, as I had my first experience with blocked milk ducts. It seemed like one side of one breast was just completely clogged, hard as a rock and so painful. I tried hot showers, massage (massage massage massage all day long), heating pads, and only fed her from that side, so pumping off the other in between. Glen didn't really understand in the morning, but by bedtime even he was starting to be concerned with the agonizingly hard knots. We basically made the decision to call the doc first thing in the morning if they didn't get better, but I was wondering how I would get through the night if it got worse... The only thing that really let me fall asleep was knowing that this only hurt me, it didn't affect Emma. And part of the solution is almost always to breastfeed through it, so even though it made me realize how much more precious the feeding is, still I knew this wouldn't stop it. But, like I do every night, I said my prayers while feeding Emma her last of the evening, and I asked God to clear it away. And this morning there are still a few lumps, but sometime during the night things loosened up, and so much relief.
Speaking of, one last thing before I go pump... Emma baby, I know you don't understand yet, but I do pray over you every single night as you slip off to sleep. I pray for God to watch over you and to send his angels to guard you as you sleep. I pray for your health and happiness, so that you may always smile. And I pray that God wraps His arms around you so tightly so you can feel Him and know His love. I hope that I can teach you about Him, but even if I fumble it, I ask that you get to know Him and feel Him all around. And baby as you sleep so perfectly and peacefully, in the quiet dark of the room Glen and I made so much in love for you, I know He is listening. My beautiful baby. Sleep.
This weekend we went to a wedding for one of Glen's oldest friends. Another first for me - pumping at a wedding! Physical necessity sure trumps reserve or shyness. I shouldered my black backpack pump and boldly carried it into the reception! Luckily, it was at a country club that has these fancy rooms there for wedding guests, and someone was kind enough to loan me use of their room for 20 minutes. The only strategic snag was I wore a long dress with no fastenings on top, so it was a little awkward trying to drag the neck down low enough to get to the breasts. It looked like everything survived intact, but we'll see after the cleaners whether I did any real damage to the seems. Sigh. All worth it though. I did meet two mothers, both of whom said the "couldn't" breastfeed and claimed to envy me, though they did not seem to miss the pumping thing. One had a latching problem, the other said dairy bothers her baby and she couldn't seem to get it out of her diet. I wonder would I have perservered if I had such issues? I know my first reaction was surprise by the clear "couldn't" statement. I mean, after hearing in my support group the lengths some women went to to make it work, these two seemed ridiculously mild. Is it so hard to avoid dairy? Or have I become one of the breastfeeding nazis I dreaded early on? Glen seems to think I'm just much stronger, stronger than I give myself credit for. I wonder if they just didn't have the support I do at Pennsylvania hospital, and once again thank God for such strength and help. And at the end of the day, I am so very thankful I have gotten to nurse and nurture her this way. Yesterday too made me realize how easily this time could be interrupted, as I had my first experience with blocked milk ducts. It seemed like one side of one breast was just completely clogged, hard as a rock and so painful. I tried hot showers, massage (massage massage massage all day long), heating pads, and only fed her from that side, so pumping off the other in between. Glen didn't really understand in the morning, but by bedtime even he was starting to be concerned with the agonizingly hard knots. We basically made the decision to call the doc first thing in the morning if they didn't get better, but I was wondering how I would get through the night if it got worse... The only thing that really let me fall asleep was knowing that this only hurt me, it didn't affect Emma. And part of the solution is almost always to breastfeed through it, so even though it made me realize how much more precious the feeding is, still I knew this wouldn't stop it. But, like I do every night, I said my prayers while feeding Emma her last of the evening, and I asked God to clear it away. And this morning there are still a few lumps, but sometime during the night things loosened up, and so much relief.
Speaking of, one last thing before I go pump... Emma baby, I know you don't understand yet, but I do pray over you every single night as you slip off to sleep. I pray for God to watch over you and to send his angels to guard you as you sleep. I pray for your health and happiness, so that you may always smile. And I pray that God wraps His arms around you so tightly so you can feel Him and know His love. I hope that I can teach you about Him, but even if I fumble it, I ask that you get to know Him and feel Him all around. And baby as you sleep so perfectly and peacefully, in the quiet dark of the room Glen and I made so much in love for you, I know He is listening. My beautiful baby. Sleep.
posted by me at 5:42 AM
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