31 weeks, and all is still well...

So, over the past few weeks we've started taking classes at the hospital where we'll deliver. One was a baby care basics class where they teach you things like how to wash and dress and feed the baby, how to swaddle her, how to burp her... Then over the weekend we took the childbirth prep class, where they give you all the details of the medical and logistical things you might encounter when you actually come to the hospital, you get a tour of the hospital, and then some relaxation and breathing techniques. It's all been useful. (More so to me than to Glen, of course, but even he's been getting some good tidbits out of it. Or at least he humors me and tells me his is...) But what I've realized after taking those classes is: I'm really not worried at all. Maybe it's because Glen feels very confident that we'll be able to handle this, and he thinks I'll be a great mom, experienced or not. (And for the record, I think he's going to be an amazing dad! I can't wait to see our baby in his arms!) But somehow, despite all the other worries over what to buy and how to get organized, I'm not really scared of what it will be like after she's born. So many of my fears so far have been about artificial things - clothes, cribs, bassinets, car seats - they're all the commercial stuff you have to figure out. But for her alone, I agree with Glen - I think that once she's here and in our arms, all those instincts will kick in and we'll know what to do. I don't mean we'll suddenly be perfect or know everything, or that there won't be some serious learning curves involved and probably more than a few scary moments and moments we might only be able to laugh at in hindsight... But I'm not scared of those things. I'm taking the classes to make myself a bit more prepared and maybe to ease some of those moments if we can, but it's nice to know that inside I trust myself and Glen. I hope we'll be good parents, and I know we love this baby so hugely that even if we make mistakes, they'll be made with love and the best intentions.

Oddly, I find I'm not particularly scared of the birth itself either. I know it will probably be the worst and best experience I've ever had, and I have been made completely aware that there will probably be more pain than I've ever experienced. I know at first Glen really thought I should ask for the epidural the moment we hit the doors of the hospital. Over the past few years, for various reasons his impression of my ability to deal with pain has not been great. (I've disagreed - I think he underestimates me alot here.) But we've been talking and more and more I feel like I'm not sure I want an epidural. There seem to be varying opinions about how much you can feel with an epidural, but basically it sounds like you really can't feel much and you're stuck in the bed and on a monitor once they put it in. And that's not the experience I think I want to have. I haven't suddenly become a fanatic for natural birth, but I definitely know I want to be present for my daughter's birth. I don't want to be stuck on a bed for the entire labor, and I want to be able to experience my body and hers. I absolutely do not want to be a spectator, waiting pain-free while my body and the doctors do their thing around me. So I guess we'll have to come up with a plan somewhere in the middle, where hopefully we can stay away from the drugs until I reach a point where I can't manage it. I expect and I'm hoping I'll suprise Glen, and that point will be very late... Of course, at the end of the day, it will all depend on her anyway and every plan may fly out the window, but just thoughts on the subject...