A New Song

Well, I realized it's been about six months since my last blog entry. Reading back about weaning my first daughter made me almost cry here at my desk. It seems like so long ago, and yet I remember how heartbroken I felt. Now, she's definitely a toddler, running around and looking back at me every once in awhile instead of depending on me. And now we have #2 coming, and I can look forward to both the amazingness of that new life and connection, and all those heartbreaks again! I wonder will it be easier? Harder?

I already see differences in the way I have handled this pregnancy. It's not so scary and dramatic, and alot of the blow-by-blow accounts of each pain and twinge are missing since I sortof know what's coming. And yet, I am trying to make every moment count and enjoy those first kicks, "baby dates" (doc appts where I get to listen to her heartbeat or see her ultrasound), the frivolous pleasure of buying a new blanket or soft toy. Somehow this baby feels different already, and I wonder if I am just imagining that she feels more "girly" somehow than Emma or is that just some strange psychological thing on my part? Find myself oddly attracted to virtually any name starting with "A" too, which has already led to impasse #1 with my husband (which is not so different from the first pregnancy after all...) Both husband and mother too say I am different, more closed in to myself this time. I think some of that is just the fact that there's not so big a need to share all the newness. But also, in many ways I do feel a bit more withdrawn. As a working mom now, with husband and two dogs, I so often find myself overwhelmed and trying to stay sane. Add all the feelings and tiredness of pregnancy, and some times I just can't seem to do anything but love my daughter and defend myself. Emma almost always makes me feel better and more energized with her smiles and enormous hugs. But everything else? I think I am managing to make time for myself and doing the things I need and keeping a home, but at what expense to everyone else? Dogs have all been sick at various times and new behavioral issues we've never had before, husband has been sick and injured both, and some days the best I can do is keep up. Is that enough? Guilt creeps in as usual. Supermom needs to meet romance again!

I guess the best time of day now has become bedtime. Those few precious moments when we're done changing and reading, and Emma is curled in my lap falling asleep, her heartbeat next to the new baby's heartbeat, sometimes her hand on my belly, and sometimes those softs kicks so that there are three of us sharing that space. So much love it's amazing, and peaceful, and nothing could be more perfect in the whole world. All the craziness of the day falls away, and those desperate prayers of "God help me do this or that" turn into a more simple and wondrous song of thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you Emma. I love you new baby.