digging in

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love.

Ephesians 3:17, NLT


Tiny roots
stretching
stretching
stretching.

kfc

Those perfect moments

So, I haven't really had a chance to write much since little Emma was born. It's just over two months, and maybe we've finally learned enough about each other to get sortof a rhythm to our days. Still not easy, and I'm standing at the kitchen counter typing with her in her carrier, bouncing just a little so she sleeps on...

I do very much want to keep a record of all that is happening. So much, and it flies by so fast! I want to remember it all, and I want there to be a record so she knows how much I love her and how I treasure these precious moments. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for motherhood, except that somewhere along the way God blessed me with the ability to enjoy life moment to moment. That's so important now! When I think about the last two months as a whole, they're very much a blur of not eating, sleeping, trying to get her to sleep or eat, and of course loving her and holding her. There are days when I find that I've just spent 3 hours not moving from the same chair, watching terrible daytime tv and letting her nap and my hand has gone numb under her. But through that blur there are those magic moments, those spots in time that I hope I never forget. There are minutes dancing with her in my arms to Jimmy Buffett or Disney, seeing her smile up at me and knowing she's happy. There is that first time she looked at me and smiled and reached out her arms for me. (She was propped up in the living room recliner, and I was putting on her snugli carrier and asking if she was ready to be mommy's little helper... That still may have been a coincidence of uncoordination for her, but I'll always treasure it!) There are times when she's just on the edge of sleep, when I run my hands through her hair or run a finger oh so gently down her nose, and she slips into perfect contented peace. In fact,that's what brought this blog on - she's in her carrier, and I was standing in the kitchen thinking about what I've come in lower moments to think of as the "endless succession of days." Even though I wouldn't give up these months at home for the world, it is hard not having something solid to focus on - no goal, no project to complete. Everything is tied up in her, and it's not like you can make a goal be getting her to smile 20 times today! Some days the biggest thing to plan for is a trip to Barnes and Noble or the grocery store. Not easy for someone like me who thrives in a crisis work environment! Still, just as I was thinking about all that, I noticed Emma was awake, just looking up at me with this perfect look of sleepy peace. I knew in that instant that she loves me, and she knows she's safe here in my arms, and she's happy to be here. She kindof sighed and nodded her head forward to rest on my chest, and one arm came up and a hand rested on my arm softly. Amazing. Just like that I'm in love all over again, and there's nothing more important in the whole world than that tiny hand on my arm. Lunch went cold, and I even waited to type this until she went limp with heavy sleep and her hand slipped off. Never in a million years could I have imagined this before she was born. And now, words don't seem adequate. I wonder if any poem can capture this feeling? It's like the movie Contact, when Jodie Foster gets to the new solar system and she cries because it's so beautiful. She says "no words", and then she says they should have sent a poet. I thought I was a poet, but this... this is beyond me. So far beyond.

Golden sun slips through the trees,
gathering leaves one by one.
A bird sings:
The dawning of a smile.

The Sound of Joy!

On May 12, 2006, at 4:28 pm, Emma Josephine was born, and our new life together began.

To my baby girl, this is how it happened...

At 2:24 in the morning, I woke to a pop. Not quite sound, not quite physical feeling, somehow I woke knowing something had just happened. As was my habit late in the pregnancy any time I woke up at night, I got up and went to the bathroom, to discover that something felt funny. I wasn't really sure though, probably couldn't quite believe it might be time yet, so I tried to go back to bed. But then I started thinking, what if this was it? Suddenly I didn't like the coming home outfit for you that was already packed, so I got up and started going through all your little clothes, ripping off tags and putting in a whole load of laundry so everything would be clean for you. At some point, as I was sitting on the floor of your room sorting and feeling a trickle, it really sank in that this was the day. I would be a mom so soon... This time I went back to bed and just let that realization sink in, flowing through me and filling me with warmth and even more love. I waited a little while longer, treasuring that feeling and hugging you close in my belly. I started to feel the contractions, tightenings of my belly that didn't really hurt at first (though soon enough they would). Then, around 4 am I woke up your dad to tell him. We stayed there in bed in the warm dark, holding each other and trying to imagine how much our lives would be different by the end of the day.

There are so many things I want you to know here at the beginning of your life. Most importantly, you are loved. You were loved, even before you were born. You father and I hoped for you, prayed for you, and shared all the joys and fears throughout my pregnancy. Your grandparents loved you too - you Pop-pop even wrote you letters! We called you "HB" because you were just a heartbeat to us in those first months. I loved being pregnant, too. Even though I was sick for the first months, I wouldn't change a minute of that time. I would wait impatiently for each time I got to see the OB and hear your heart or see your shape on the ultrasound - I called doctor's appointments "dates" with you! Your dad even got us a doppler for Christmas so we could listen to your heart at home. I would cry just a little from so much joy every time we listened...

On December 22, I felt you move for the first time. Of course, you were probably moving long before that,but I remember that moment I felt you so clearly. I was sitting in your dad's office on the couch, and it was just a touch, just for a moment. I wasn't sure, and I didn't say anything, hugging that hope close. It took a few days to feel you again, and so long between times... Later, thinking back on it would remind me of the poem "The Raven" - "suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door". I don't know why I thought of Poe, but it just fit. God, I loved you even more then! I suppose the rest is here from that point, recorded in this blog for you as time went on.

Now, having you with us, you are our daily joy. The moment they placed you in my arms at the hospital I realized I hadn't even begun to know how much I could love. You were so tiny, so perfect. Our baby. Our miracle. Watching your father hold you tight, I knew how very blessed we are. Now, sleeping in my arms, nursing, smiling up at me as we dance - there isn't any moment I would miss for the world. I don't have all the words yet to describe your life yet and the way you make us feel. That just might take a lifetime! I'll just say that nothing in my life has ever been so amazing. I love you, Emma.

"She's constantly amazed by the blades of the fan in the ceiling.
Those clever little looks she gives just can't help but be appealing.
She loves to ride into town with the top down,
feel that warm breeze on her gentle skin.
She is my next of kin.

I see of a little more of me every day.
I catch a little more mustache turning grey.
Your mother is the only other woman for me.
Little miss magic, whatcha gonna be?
Little miss magic, just can't wait to see..."
Jimmy Buffett
"Little Miss Magic"