Flowers and fears...

Today was a good day. Saturday, and we got lots of things done. I've been slowly getting our gardens planted for the year - more perennials this time, so I don't have quite so much work every year! Glen says he really likes what I've been doing so far, much better than last year, and so we are enjoying together watching the flowers go in and come to life. Lots of pinks and purples waving in the sun around our home. I planted a white Japanese Snowball and some azaleas, and maybe it's just a tiny bit like I remember Japan. I hope it will be. Looking aorund at our land these days, we love it. Spring is beautiful here, and now more than ever since we've added our own touches.

Today, too, finally we've gotten some of the things done that we've been waiting for. Movers went up to the Lake and brought back the things we're keeping from Glen's parents' home. We got the giant dining room table that has been a fixture in their home, and of course the Bear. (For those of you who have not met the Bear, he is a giant 7-8 foot carved wood bear that has been on the Lake house porch since Glen was little. Every family occasion or holiday has been honored by having the Bear dressed up and/or having family photos with it, including Christmases, graduations - even our wedding.) We love that Bear, and it now stands proudly outside our house.The first thing we did was take pictures of each other with it, and got a little misty-eyed over the fact that our first pictures of our baby when she comes home will be with the Bear. A new generation... Our new generation. We also got the rest of the furniture for the baby's room. Now we can finally put things in their places, get everything set for her. We'll put books on her bookshelves, CD player and night lights and the weebles tree I've saved for her. I started washing her tiny clothes, and the hospital bag is packed. It's all coming together - or just plain coming! Was thinking this morning as we lazed in bed, there may not be many mornings like that anymore, where I just get to watch Glen sleep and feel that overwhelming love as he opens his eyes. There will be other loves, other moments, but different. I hope I can appreciate them as much.

I've noticed lately that my biggest fear, oddly, is not about her anymore. It's about Glen. Leaving him in the mornings or watching him drive off somewhere, I find myself afraid and offering up prayers for his safety. I see horrible things like him getting hit by a car or getting into an accident. Something terrible that will keep him from being here with me. Something that will keep me from meeting her. The other night he played a game with her where he would rub my belly or poke, and she kicked back. She was completly responsive to his touch, and it was another of those amazing things for me to feel. God, let us stay this way. Let us stay a family, loving and touching and amazing each other. As I type this I look over, and there is Glen falling asleep in his recliner, the end of another day. And there is nothing in the world better still than this.

what each morning brings...

Seems like each day is new and I never know what to expect. Yesterday it was beautiful out, and I got to have lunch with Glen, which is always nice. Happens just enough to appreciate, not enough to be old routine... So yesterday walking to meet him I passed a Greek church. There were two older people, a man and a woman, outside cleaning it. They were scrubbing the columns, scrubbing the steps, and there was water pouring down the steps across the sidewalk. Somehow that just seemed refreshing to me. Maybe because of the symbolism of spring cleaning and freshening, maybe the idea of making the church look shiny and clean. I love that smell of wet sidewalks too. Makes me think of rain, or of the morning walks I've taken in cities I've visitied. Morning walks in a new city are always the best (New Orleans and Paris come to mind as the two I love most). Things are usually still quiet, sleepy, just waking up, except for the shopowners, so you see them out washing their store windows or the sidewalks. Often they are talking to each other - at a friendly yell level across streets and the rumble of delivery trucks. Somehow I always feel like I can get to know a city best on those morning walks, much better than later when the tourists are out and the crowds. People smile, everything smells fresh. I don't know, guess it's just my thing, and for some reason those two people cleaning the church made me feel that way too.

Today, on the other hand, I feel like an old old woman. Everything is creaking, everything aches. Pretty much every symptom the doctor has mentioned seems to be present and accounted for! Kept waking myself (and Glen) up all night trying to roll over (for which he was not truly grateful this morning)... Seems like lately that rolling thing is getting harder and harder, and I have to use my feet and legs to push off (which tends to bounce the bed, hence waking Glen). Just trying to roll without leverage results in a litany of screams from various body parts, mostly muscles around the belly that cramp and pull. This morning was convinced I really ripped something good, but after a few minutes that too passed (thankfully). On the other hand, lying in one position too long means limbs falling asleep, sore hips, stretchy cramps. Getting up is slow too - sortof have to roll to the edge of the bed and slide the feet over, stand up very slowly to make sure nothing pulls too quickly and the swollen feet are ready for walkin', do some very slow stretches. I can feel her moving around this morning - which despite every creak and groan is ALWAYS welcome - hi baby! It's funny though - sometimes when she moves it makes something else sore or pinched. But other times she actually helps, almost like getting a massage from the inside out. Very, very bizarre, but pleasant too. Wouldn't trade this feeling still for anything in the world, but will admit that hot chocolate and extra strength tylenol are appreciated more on certain days than on others...

good check

Just a quick report... Had a good checkup with the doc yesterday, complete with what should be the final ultrasound. Amazing to think of the original "picture" we had where she was like an inch long, and now you can't possibly see all of her at once on the ultrasound. Doc says everything looks good - she's in the right position (head down), has plenty of fluid to swim in still, and clearly is a very beautiful and intelligent baby. It wasn't a very long peek and not on a real high-definition machine, but we did get to see her yawn and stick her tongue out. So cute! Glen was there too, which I love, so he got to witness himself why she gets the hiccups all the time... We also finally got confirmation that the hard lump we feel all the time up above my belly button is in fact her bony rump. She'll spend the next few weeks gaining about half a pound a week - does that mean the lump won't be so hard anymore? We'll see! Doc also said she's actually on the large side (although completely within average), so I say fooey to all those worriers who frowned on my measly one caffeine drink a day! Clearly it did NOT result in low birthweight as predicted! In fact, he says if I give birth at 38 weeks, she'd probably be about 8 pounds. Maybe I should consider more than one caffeine drink a day?... :) Yikes!

Song to remember for today...

Yolanda Adams
“Already Allright”

I want to start things out by giving testimony
Cause one of my friends got ill seriously
Now the doctor told him ain't no way you gone' live
But he prayed his prayer in faith
And a miracle appeared
Chorus: Its already alright,
Its already alright
And all you got to do is
Just bow your head down
Just bow and pray
And then give it all up
And know everything's gonna be okay
Just throw your hands up
And then wave them left to right
And now do your dance child
Cause its alright already

Always surrounded by negativity
This might be where I live
But it ain't gonna change me
Gotta work on my mind
And keep my actions pure
And when I stumble,
I know who has the cure
So any time your feeling down
Just lift your voice in praise
It'll pick you right up
And you can come to Him don't be afraid
Anytime , day or night
He can give you what you need
And if you pray your prayer in faith
And in your heart believe that

Chorus

When life's problems get you down
Can't find no peace nowhere around
Trust in the spirit you can't see
It's 'bout to bring you your relief
Go ahead and cry now, It's alright
Cause now you're cryin tears of joy
This life ain't hurting you no more
Cause you know its already alright

stress, stress, stress

So, this week so far has been very stressful at work. Crazy issues popping up, staff absent, other managers absent and trying to pick up their duties too... We have a high-visibility project we're running, and there are all kinds of problems with that. All in all, probably more stressed this week than I have been in awhile. At home, too, there's alot going on. We have multiple contractors this week doing work on the house, trying to coordinate au pair interviews and baby classes and doctor's appointments... Seems like so long ago that this would barely have been a nlip on the radar of daily life, but I definitely notice I am more tired and not as equippped to handle these things as usual. Sleep has also been more difficult, probably because all my muscles are responding to the stress! (Well, that, and up to two trips to the bathroom at night now... The good news there being I can practically do it in my sleep by now!)

Anyway, the interesting thing is listening to how my body and the baby respond to all this. I've noticed pretty clearly that she's much quieter when I'm at my most stressed, almost like she knows and is, well, not hiding, but keeping safe in there? She still responds to food and my touch, but not so much movement by herself. But when I realize how knotted up I'm getting and make an effort to relax, it's like she wakes up with me! Especially if I play some music and start singing - she's right there dancing with me. It's really kindof amazing, even moment to moment how that happens. Talk about a serious feedback loop! A very clear reminder that stress does have big effects on the body, which means both me and her now, and a huge reason to let it all go. I've also noticed that every bit of stress in my body now goes straight to my belly - not my shoulders, not my eck - right under the belly where it gets tight and sore and makes walking hurt. I've even gotten some rougher braxton-hicks contractions that way. Again, though, as soon as I start getting myself to relax, those muscles unwind too. Not pleasant at all! Hence, here I am, thinking of her and this instead of running around through my lunch hour as I've done for the past two days. And, completely looking forward to our doc appt this afternoon, where we get to see her on ultrasound again. Instead of worrying about what I have to do up till that time, like I was, now happily anticipating - and rewarded by her happy thumps! Really, in the end, what could be more important than that?

Bumps in the road

Reading back over the last few entries, I don't want to give the impression that nothing is ever wrong or difficult in our world. Hopefully some day when our daughter reads this, it will help her too, so she can enjoy this experience as much as I have and not let the bumps and scary spots affect her too much.

At 32 weeks now, things are definitely getting a bit less comfortable. I've grown again, noticed my balance is really starting to change, and for the first time really feel like I'm starting to gain weight in other places - particularly in my face and hands. Could be that I'm retaining water, but I feel like I'm drinking gallons of everything a day, so who knows. What I do know is my engagement ring no longer fits, which makes me very sad and I hate the idea of being parted from it, so I've started wearing it on a chain around my neck. Next to go seems likely to be the wedding ring. That idea makes me just want to cry too, so if it does have to go, I'll probably ask Glen to find me a simple band a few sizes bigger. Just seems like at this moment in our lives, the last thing I want to give up is a symbol of our love and family!

My feet have started swelling a bit too, so some of my shoes are less comfortable now. People keep telling me I should give up my high heeled black boots, but they are my favorite thing to wear and still make me feel sexy, so we'll hold onto those until my feet are the ones telling me to stop! Admittedly, I do have to sit down these days to get them on and off, but once on they're still OK... Heck, I have to sit down to put on socks these days of any kind, and even have to prop my legs up to dry them off after the shower! Bending at the middle is a long-lost idea, just wondering if I'll have to ask Glen for help by the end or if we'll make it through the home stretch with a shred of independence left. Smiling either way... :)

The last few weeks I've also noticed I get alot more tired and forgetful. I've definitely slowed down, and I'm not quite up to my fast, swinging stride anymore. A nice even stroll does just fine! That's OK, though, because there are so many things to see these days - spring is here, everything is peeking up or budding or outright blooming - seems like the perfect time of year to have a baby! Makes me want to go back and read The Secret Garden too. I actually can't wait to be at home, watching the summer from my own yard. This time last year I had my surgery, and while recovering wasn't all that fun, I discovered it was the best time of the year to be at home. We get lots of birds and small wild critters around, and I'll get to see all the new things we've planted come up... Not a bad way to spend a day! Anyway, tired and new aches and pains seem to be rule for this last trimester. The other day I was having so much pain in my lower belly when I walked - I slowed down to like 90-yr-old woman pace, but nothing seemed to help. Didn't even have the energy to stop for hot chocolate! Now THAT"S a bad sign! I actually called the doc, which is rare for me, but he was reassuring that nothing was wrong, she just probably had some body part pressed against a nerve or a tendon. He was sympathetic, but the bottom line is basically rest, take some tylenol, and welcome to third trimester! But through it all I could still feel her moving and rambling around inside, so even with the pain I never really lost that feeling of everything being well. Just have to keep on trusting - my own body and God - and we'll get there! For once I'm being patient, just letting her grow in there. I don't feel like she's ready yet (and of course by medical science standards she's got several weeks), so content to wait and let things go as they will. Thankfully I haven't reached a point of just wanting this to be done yet, though everyone tells me that will come. I'm still enjoying this too much to want to stop! Just this morning we sang and "danced" our way to work (hence the Sinatra song in the entry below). Honestly, I think it will be strange and maybe a bit lonely to not feel her inside me, but hopefully that will be totally countered by having her in my arms!

"Almost Like Being in Love"

What a day this has been
What a rare mood I'm in
Why it's almost like being in love
There's a smile on my face
For the whole human race
Why it's almost like being in love
All the music of life seems to be
(Just) Like a bell that is ringing for me
And from the way that I feel
When the bell starts to peel
I would swear I was falling,
I could swear I was falling-
It's almost like being in love

Frank Sinatra
"Almost Like Bieng in Love"

comfort and joy

More and more often these days, I find myself sitting quietly and just rubbing my belly, over and over and around. She moves alot, and it feels so wonderful, so alive. Some days she's already moving - even squirming to the point that I feel this need to comfort her and tell her somehow that everything is alright, to soothe her and calm (like when she has the hiccups). If I run my fingertips or nails lightly over, she even jumps a bit, like it tickles. Other times she's quiet, and I just want her to know I'm watching over her while she sleeps. She responds to that touch, rising under my hands, some days almost dancing with me. I sing too, when I can, and I can't even begin to describe the joy that comes over everything. It's like those first days of falling in love, everything looks nicer, I hear birds singing and smell the flowers we planted and it's hard to imagine anything being better than this. Looking at our wedding pictures, I realize that day is the only other time I've felt so very much, but now it's everyday. It's still me and Glen, more than ever, and now this third part of us. Some mornings I wake up and just look at him, watching him sleep, and I am amazed and blessed to be here with him and with her. Amazing too, to watch his face when he gets to feel her too or sees her thumping around so my belly jumps. Sometimes I'll point out a lump or a hard spot on my belly, and he'll feel her, wondering like I do - is it a foot? a knee? her head? Sometimes he probes with his strong doctor's hands and he can figure out what it is, other days she eludes his trained touch too and we just have to keep guessing. Either way, she must know by now that both our hands mean love. I hope she does.

our wonderful belly

31 weeks, and all is still well...

So, over the past few weeks we've started taking classes at the hospital where we'll deliver. One was a baby care basics class where they teach you things like how to wash and dress and feed the baby, how to swaddle her, how to burp her... Then over the weekend we took the childbirth prep class, where they give you all the details of the medical and logistical things you might encounter when you actually come to the hospital, you get a tour of the hospital, and then some relaxation and breathing techniques. It's all been useful. (More so to me than to Glen, of course, but even he's been getting some good tidbits out of it. Or at least he humors me and tells me his is...) But what I've realized after taking those classes is: I'm really not worried at all. Maybe it's because Glen feels very confident that we'll be able to handle this, and he thinks I'll be a great mom, experienced or not. (And for the record, I think he's going to be an amazing dad! I can't wait to see our baby in his arms!) But somehow, despite all the other worries over what to buy and how to get organized, I'm not really scared of what it will be like after she's born. So many of my fears so far have been about artificial things - clothes, cribs, bassinets, car seats - they're all the commercial stuff you have to figure out. But for her alone, I agree with Glen - I think that once she's here and in our arms, all those instincts will kick in and we'll know what to do. I don't mean we'll suddenly be perfect or know everything, or that there won't be some serious learning curves involved and probably more than a few scary moments and moments we might only be able to laugh at in hindsight... But I'm not scared of those things. I'm taking the classes to make myself a bit more prepared and maybe to ease some of those moments if we can, but it's nice to know that inside I trust myself and Glen. I hope we'll be good parents, and I know we love this baby so hugely that even if we make mistakes, they'll be made with love and the best intentions.

Oddly, I find I'm not particularly scared of the birth itself either. I know it will probably be the worst and best experience I've ever had, and I have been made completely aware that there will probably be more pain than I've ever experienced. I know at first Glen really thought I should ask for the epidural the moment we hit the doors of the hospital. Over the past few years, for various reasons his impression of my ability to deal with pain has not been great. (I've disagreed - I think he underestimates me alot here.) But we've been talking and more and more I feel like I'm not sure I want an epidural. There seem to be varying opinions about how much you can feel with an epidural, but basically it sounds like you really can't feel much and you're stuck in the bed and on a monitor once they put it in. And that's not the experience I think I want to have. I haven't suddenly become a fanatic for natural birth, but I definitely know I want to be present for my daughter's birth. I don't want to be stuck on a bed for the entire labor, and I want to be able to experience my body and hers. I absolutely do not want to be a spectator, waiting pain-free while my body and the doctors do their thing around me. So I guess we'll have to come up with a plan somewhere in the middle, where hopefully we can stay away from the drugs until I reach a point where I can't manage it. I expect and I'm hoping I'll suprise Glen, and that point will be very late... Of course, at the end of the day, it will all depend on her anyway and every plan may fly out the window, but just thoughts on the subject...