Future president or social misfit?

So, it's Halloween. (Or Harvest Day for those who are more polictically correct than me.) Daycare had a little parade and music party for the kids. Thinking to be a great parent, I show up half an hour early to help get Emma in her costume. The teachers were super organized though, and all the kids were already dressed and anxious to go outside. Emma and a few other kids come to play, and then it's time to go outside, whereupon my beautiful baby starts screaming. She wants to go outside, but doesn't want to be in the buggy with everyone because I'm there. Fair enough, so I am carrying her around now. Finally the parade starts, but Emma really has no interest. She occasionally stops to watch some of the bigger kids, or tries to follow them, but mostly she wants to climb on the fountain and run around by herself. She definitely does not want to be with her class, even though almost every other child is laughing and clapping and sing songing. The music show starts, and though she watches from my lap briefly and dances with me for a bit, she really wants to go on the slide. Or she wants to get right up in the middle of the big kids and watch them again, only she's scared a bit because they are totally jumping around. (It looked like a miniature mosh pit, only with more colors.) We spend the rest of the music time either angry at me because I won't let her on the big kids slide (nor will the other teachers) or happily rearranging the pumpkins in the yard. So the question is, future president or social misfit? She seemed very happy by herself, and wasn't even really paying attention to me either. There was one other girl, also in her class, doing more or less the same thing. (I wouldn't quite say they were playing together because toddlers don't really play together so much, but they were playing the same game carrying the pumpkins.) Both of us moms were just looking at each other, wondering is it us? Are our children odd or just leaders? Probably another area for over-analysis and ridiculous misgivings. Some of the other kids were looking a bit stressed by all the excitement, so maybe it was just too much stimulation. And Emma and the other girl were both running around when other kids were in the buggy, so maybe the question should be: future president, social misfit, or just hungry munchkin?

Setting aside magic time

As I watch other moms and just people in general, what I see so often is not enough time. Not enough time to do everything, and then letting that mess up the time you have. The other day in the mall, I watched a woman screaming at her toddler to come on, dragging him up from the floor and pulling him as fast as his little legs would run. I try not to judge, and I say a prayer that that's not how life always is for them. But it also makes me think of how I deal with Emma. I said another prayer that no matter how frustrated I get (and I'm sure there will be times when I'm VERY frustrated) I can deal with her in love. To try and remember that sometimes taking a minute out to hold her or just get down on her level is enough for her to stop too and shift gears.

I've also been thinking that I need to carve out special time for her - and then realized to my surprise that I am! I realized that there are moments in the day that I have already sortof carved out as sacred, that I rarely miss, and that I feel sad when I do miss. Some of them are just built in - like getting her dressed in the morning - we cuddle and play peek-a-boo and sing row row row your boat together (she does the rows, I do the rest), and she gives me kisses and laughs up at me. Getting ready for bed is the same in reverse. Another time is picking her up from daycare. Because we have an hour commute, it's important to me that I sit with her there, and we play a bit and go over the day and she points at everything in her class. I get to spend time with her teachers and make sure I know what she's doing. It's not alot, but I make a point of spending it with her instead of just grabbing her and throwing her in the car, and I think we're both happier for it. And of course, bedtime is the best. Even now sometimes when she wakes up in the middle of the night is OK, because it's another chance to just get to sit and rock this squirming energizer bunny and listen to her breathing. My time.

A New Song

Well, I realized it's been about six months since my last blog entry. Reading back about weaning my first daughter made me almost cry here at my desk. It seems like so long ago, and yet I remember how heartbroken I felt. Now, she's definitely a toddler, running around and looking back at me every once in awhile instead of depending on me. And now we have #2 coming, and I can look forward to both the amazingness of that new life and connection, and all those heartbreaks again! I wonder will it be easier? Harder?

I already see differences in the way I have handled this pregnancy. It's not so scary and dramatic, and alot of the blow-by-blow accounts of each pain and twinge are missing since I sortof know what's coming. And yet, I am trying to make every moment count and enjoy those first kicks, "baby dates" (doc appts where I get to listen to her heartbeat or see her ultrasound), the frivolous pleasure of buying a new blanket or soft toy. Somehow this baby feels different already, and I wonder if I am just imagining that she feels more "girly" somehow than Emma or is that just some strange psychological thing on my part? Find myself oddly attracted to virtually any name starting with "A" too, which has already led to impasse #1 with my husband (which is not so different from the first pregnancy after all...) Both husband and mother too say I am different, more closed in to myself this time. I think some of that is just the fact that there's not so big a need to share all the newness. But also, in many ways I do feel a bit more withdrawn. As a working mom now, with husband and two dogs, I so often find myself overwhelmed and trying to stay sane. Add all the feelings and tiredness of pregnancy, and some times I just can't seem to do anything but love my daughter and defend myself. Emma almost always makes me feel better and more energized with her smiles and enormous hugs. But everything else? I think I am managing to make time for myself and doing the things I need and keeping a home, but at what expense to everyone else? Dogs have all been sick at various times and new behavioral issues we've never had before, husband has been sick and injured both, and some days the best I can do is keep up. Is that enough? Guilt creeps in as usual. Supermom needs to meet romance again!

I guess the best time of day now has become bedtime. Those few precious moments when we're done changing and reading, and Emma is curled in my lap falling asleep, her heartbeat next to the new baby's heartbeat, sometimes her hand on my belly, and sometimes those softs kicks so that there are three of us sharing that space. So much love it's amazing, and peaceful, and nothing could be more perfect in the whole world. All the craziness of the day falls away, and those desperate prayers of "God help me do this or that" turn into a more simple and wondrous song of thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you Emma. I love you new baby.