All that matters

I hear people say all the time, this can't be all there is. But I have to say, when I feel Emma's little arms wrap around me in a hug, or when I look into her eyes and brush her hair back as she settles in for sleep at night, I can't imagine anything greater. I thank God for giving me this, and if it's all there is, it's enough. More than enough. It's amazing.

Baby number two is moving inside me as I type too. I know it will be hard, really hard, at the beginning. Even though I have been hoping she would have been here by now, I am trying to remember to enjoy and relax even in these last few days. And I've realized that every day I wait for her is another I can share with Emma, just us. That's a good thing too. We had a really special day this weekend, a holiday Monday, where we went to the aquarium. Emma loves it there, and I made a point to let her see whatever she wanted, even if it meant seeing the same exhibit four times. She's so beautiful and precocious, and I was proud to watch her confidence around the bigger kids. She had such a great time, she kept running to me and hugging me and kissing me. We shared lunch, and she kept grabbing my hand through it and singing. And at the end of the day, tired finally and overexcited, I carried her out. Even though I usually head straight through the gift shop as fast as possible, this time I stopped and decided to get her something to remember our day. She was very into the turtles all day, so I picked up a soft soft stuffed turtle. She grabbed it instantly, carried it to the car all by herself (even though it's almost half her size), and for three nights now she has fallen asleep with it curled under her little arm. I don't know if it means anything real to her of if she remembers where it's from, but I do. My little girl. My big girl.

One Heartbeat at a Time

One Hearthbeat at a Time
Steve Curtis Chapman

You’re up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall in bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Well maybe you just don’t know
Or maybe you’ve forgotten

That you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world One little heartbeat at a time

With every “I know you can do it”
And every tear you kiss away
So many things that seem
to go unnoticed

They’re just like the drops of rain
Over time, they become a river

You’re beautiful, so beautiful
How you’re changing the world, yeah you’re changing the world

I believe that you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

Big girl bed!

For two nights in a row now, Emma has slept in her BIG GIRL BED! I'm so proud and excited. Several weeks ago we finally (after much drama and unforeseen construction issues) got her new big girl room ready and painted. She helped me move in her toys and clothes, and for about two weeks we've done everything except sleep in there. After two weekends of procrastination where Dad and I were too tired to make the attempt and too worried that we would be up all night with her, we finally took a deep breath and just did it. And she was great! The first night she did wake up a couple times, but not any more than she has in general lately, and I just found her sitting on her bed. After a few calming moments that were actually much easier on me since I could sit next to her instead of picking her up, she went back to sleep. The first morning she slept an hour later than usual, and we woke to her calling (not crying) for Mommy and Daddy and knocking on her door. Lst night, she slept all the way through, not a peep till after we were already up and showered. Of course, since I wake up anyway, I've checked on her a couple of times each night, and she's been sprawled apparently happily with doggy and this funky Ikea alligator roll that we have between her and the edge of the bed. Since we have an extra matress on the floor next to the bed, there's really no worry about if she falls out, but so far she seems to be managing well. My big girl! I thought this would be such a big deal, but after all the worry, she handled it like everything else. Guess I either need to give her or myself more credit!

To my baby girls

Well, it's 35 weeks now. At last check, baby#2 is a little over 5 pounds, and all systems are go. It could be any day, or it could be 5 weeks. I feel ready to meet our new little miracle, but also scared. How will Emma take this new addition? I hope she will not be too confused and that we can make this a good time for her too. She has her new room and new bed and all the things we can possibly think to do for her, but I know none of this will make the reality of not being the "only" any different. I hope she will adjust quickly and that she will never for a minute think we don't love her every bit as much.

I guess my bigger fear, tonight, is that something should happen to me. Would my first baby, my darling Emma, remember me? Singing to her tonight, I wonder if she would remember my voice at all, or the songs I've sung her so many times. Would she remember what it felt like to have my arms around her, hugs in so many wonderful ways and with so many smiles? I hope so. I would not give up being her mother for anything in the world, this brave amazing loving daughter of mine. She is my joy and my sunshine.

And the new baby, whose name I say in my heart but who we haven't met yet. Would she ever know I love her already? I've never felt her weight in my arms or seen her face or her tiny fists or smiles, but I love her still. Would she remember the way I run my hands over my belly, protecting her and touching as much of her as I can? Would her father ever be able to express how much her mommy longs for her?

I don't mean any of this in a morbid way. It's just tonight all this love feels so huge, and time feels so preciously small. I don't think a lifetime is even enough to feel all this or begin to express it. My baby girls. Thank you, God. Please watch over them, and over me, and over their father. Let them know all their lives that we love them and cherish them. Let them know I would give them the world. Let them be able to feel my arms around them even when I am not there, and let your bigger love surround them constantly. My baby girls.