Empathy? Telepathy? Imagination?

A question I posed to a few of my closest mother friends recently...

Do you think there is some sort of empathetic or even telepathic connection between mothers and their children? I know it’s a weird question, but the last few nights I've noticed something…

So, in the past I know the nights I've tried to get Emma to sleep when I was wired or stressed were always the hardest to get her to sleep. I figured that was because we're still nursing, and holding her in my arms I'm sure she can feel the tension in my body. She definitely falls asleep better when I'm happy and quiet, and even more so recently if I'm happy enough to sing to her. The nights I'm most frustrated because she won’t go to sleep she just gets more and more clinging and I know for sure it's because she senses something is wrong. But the last few nights, I've noticed something more. It started happening that when I woke up at night, a few minutes later she'd wake up. I thought maybe it was that she'd actually been making some sound that I heard in my sleep that woke me, but I wouldn't hear her fuss for a bit after I woke. Now there have been two nights in a row when after I got up and nursed her back to sleep, she's been a bit fussy still in her crib. Not all out crying, but a few little cries every couple of minutes. I myself have been feeling angry and stressed these past two nights (not over her), so whenever I wake up, the old brain kicks in and disquiet follows… But after I'd nursed her and went back to bed, I told myself I was not going to go back and get her if she wasn't fully crying. She was fed, she was fine, she just needs to learn. What I noticed was that when I quieted myself, she got quieter. At one point I was trying to put myself to sleep despite her noises by telling myself that God is watching her, she's fine, go to sleep baby. It became almost a little mantra in my head, and I focused on that, like I was meditating, pushing all other thoughts from my head. And amazingly, as long as I kept that up, she got quiet! As soon as some other rotten thought intruded, she'd start crying again, and as surely as I pushed the thoughts out and focused on my mantra again, she'd quiet. Mind you, she is not in my room, she's in her room in her crib that's down the hall and around the corner, so it's not remotely possible that she can physically hear me. (I wasn't moving anyway, was trying to lie still and breathe and relax.) Have you ever noticed anything like this? Surprisingly, I mentioned this to my own mother and she immediately told me she does believe there is a connection - in fact, the last few nights she's been feeling pissy herself for absolutely no reason! I remember during my pregnancy saying often that whenever I was stressed she got really quiet, and when I was happy she seemed happy and kicking too. I figured this was purely a physical thing, something about muscle tension or maybe chemicals. But now I'm wondering… What do you think?

Back postings...

In fairness to the record, I wanted to add an email I sent to a friend just after Thanksgiving. So someday when Emma reads back on this or I look back, I'll remember the good and the hard and know that it was ALL worth it...

"So, things have been rough lately. Ultimately incredible and rewarding, but in the short term hard on the body. Trying to just keep enjoying the little things. Started back what, like a month ago when I think we went through a last bit of teething or something. For some reason she just stopped sleeping through the night. Then we went ot Florida for Thanksgiving to Glen's folks. We had all these visions of leaving her with the grandparents and spending long hours together alone finally, but apparently we've reached the age of separation anxiety and stranger anxiety, so we spent most of the trip with her not wanting to be held by anyone but mom and dad. By the time she calmed down, we only had one day to wander, then Thanksgiving day and then home on Friday. Sigh. It was good to see the family, and Kelly and Sydney were there. Emma absolutely loved Sydney from the moment she saw her, and Sydney liked the fact that she was the one person (besides me) who could make Emma smile every time. It's also a big deal that Emma is her only first cousin. (Syd has a whole gang of little girl cousins her age on Mike's side, but they're his cousins' children so like second, third cousins? Removed? I can never figure it out. Anyway.) So Florida was good, but the weeks following are a blur of messed up routine and no sleep. Emma went through some whole separation anxiety thing where for at least a week she wouldn't let me put her in her crib. I ended up spending many nights with her in our bed or me sleeping on her floor where hopefully she wouldn't get too used to sleeping with mom and dad. Seems like it's only maybe the last week that she's finally started to settle down and sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch. For a bit too she was horrible during the days, not letting Melanie (the au pair) leave the room or even put her down in her old swing or anything. Poor Melanie was going nuts, although it's hard to feel sorry for her when at least she got to sleep! After a few days, though, she went back to being her normal self during the days. Happy, smiling, will sit and play by herself for long stretches and doesn't get too upset when I leave the room. It's just been the nights… Then, just about the time we got her starting to settle, Jesse had a medical thing. She's had this fatty lump on her chest for years, and a week and a half ago it split open. It wasn't dangerous per se, but because it's right in the middle of her chest the vet figured it wouldn't heal well or would keep coming back anyway, so we ended up getting surgery for her to remove it. Coincidentally, Glen's scheduler overbooked him for the week and he ended up seeing a record number of patients… You know, the whole rain/pour thing… Still, we somehow survived and I'm not really complaining anymore. Just glad it seems to be passing.

Good things though, I know again that God is giving me the strength to do theses things when I need it. Somehow despite lack of sleep and frustration and tears, every morning Emma smiles at me is still a gift. In fact, the other morning we had a rough night and she was still asleep when I was ready to leave for work. I knew I should let her sleep, but I also knew that without seeing that smile at least once, my whole day would be the worse for it. So I woke her up, and was happy I did, feeling that flood of love and joy washing away every vestige of frustration. I don't know why it doesn't seem to work that way for Glen, but that minute I get to hold her in the morning means everything to me. Also, I have to admit that the thing with Jesse really made me pay more attention to her (Jesse, that is). Especially with the sleep thing, I know I haven't been showing her as much love and giving her the time she needs. This really made me do it and made me remember how she is my baby too. Spent a couple of nights sleeping on the floor with her too, and though I wonder if I am doomed to a life of nights on the floor, still felt good to be lying there with an arm around her, keeping her safe too.

So, as Christmas approaches, much to be thankful for, much to celebrate. My parents are coming Thursday Dec 20 for a week. They can hardly wait to see Emma, and we can hardly wait to show them all her new tricks! We have a Christmas tree up now, and as the only Christians on the block have the only lights up on the block… Happy Hannukah? Anyway, all in all life is good and peaceful as it can be, and filled with love. What more could we ask for?"

December 12, 2006

Catching Up, Falling Behind

Wow, so it's been over two months since I've written. Not for lack of material, that's for sure! It just all seems to fly by so quickly. One minute she's this tiny little bundle who needs to be carried so carefully, the next she's two feet of energy and on the verge of crawling! Or maybe walking!

Lots of big holidays coming and going too. My parents came to visit just before Halloween, and we had fun taking her to a pumpkin farm and watching her stare so very intently at the pumpkins and squashes (see below Pumpkinland blog). Halloween itself was a bit of a let-down though. It turns out that our neighborhood doesn't trick-or-treat at home. Not enough houses/kids. Maybe in a few years there will be enough kids, but this year the older ones all went to some other neighborhood where apparently it's like Christmas with decorations on every house and the streets lined with the imported cars of parents bringing their kids... I tried to get off work early anyway so we could walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful sunny day... Unfortunately the train did not cooperate, and I ended up rushing in the door with maybe half an hour of daylight left. I grabbed Emma and got some pictures of her in her Halloween clothes, then the au pair and I changed her into her pumpkin costume and took more pictures till dark... Oh well. Next year!

Thanksgiving came in a rush - her first airplane ride and trip to visit Glen's parents in Florida. Despite the mountain of baby luggage (car seat, base, stroller, pack-n-play, blah blah blah), we got through the flights pretty well, and she turned out to be a good traveller. In fact, a couple across the aisle commented that they didn't even realize she was there! We had a nice visit and Emma got to sit in the sand and squish it in her toes and fingers for the first time. She also got to visit cousin Sydney and evil Aunt Kelly. (Evil because for the first several days whenever Kelly picked her up she cried, and Kelly said she wouldn't put her down till she stopped crying! Well, eventually she did stop... Always a test of wills in our family!) Anyway, Emma is Sydney's only FIRST cousin. This is a very important distinction because on Mike's side of the family Syd has like 6 or 7 little girl cousins, but they're second cousins or third or removed or whatever. Syd actually understands this (she's 6 and a half) and she takes it very responsibly that she has to watch over Emma - as long as she never has to change a diaper! Anyway, it was love at first sight on both sides, with Sydney going to great lengths to make Emma smile and Emma happily responding. Joy all around!

Now, finally, Christmas is coming. My parents arrive in three days. I can't wait for them to see her! It's only been two months, but it's like she's a new person every time they come. Every day she's more alert, more talkative, more everything. She's sitting up by herself now (mostly), she laughs like a little lunatic at the dogs and reaches for them, and she smiles so very much. She's starting to eat solids now (peaches great, oatmeal good, rice cereal? YUCK! And the turkey with broth Mom accidentally opened this morning? Well, let's just say even dad felt bad watching her gag... How can it possibly taste good when I swear it smelled like cat food? Anyway...) I know my parents are going to have so much fun with her. Kelly says every day was better than the last with Syd. I'm not sure I fully agree - I love every day, even the hard ones - but I'm sure every visit is better than the last for my parents. They miss her like crazy and my dad has become a proud Grandpa putting up pictures of her everywhere.

I think still the most suprising thing to me is how much I am enjoying her. And I can't wait to have another! Somehow I, the least child oriented person I knew, have become a good mom. Is it just so much love? Is it this patience that sprang up from nowhere in me? I don't know where it came from, but I know she makes me glow. No matter how little sleep I've had or how stressed I am or angry or rushed or whatever (and believe me, there have been some rough times! sleep, what sleep???), the moment she smiles at me and gives me that little "ahhh" coo I am just in love all over again. Simply amazing. And every night, no matter what other rotten thoughts from the day creep into my head, I thank God for another day with her and for every smile she gave me. My wonderful gift. Emma.