words of thanks

Reading back on some of the blogs this month, I realize I owe some big (large, HUGE) thanks to two people. First, to Bethany, who first supports me through my loooooooong emails about all these new things, and laughs with me, and cheers for me, and shares her own smiling stories with me (including the ever-present food stories, since she's expecting too) so I know I'm not alone or completely loony.

Also, as I read back on the "stuff" email, I realize that having my sister Kelly come with me to create the baby registry was such an enourmous help. I thought it would be fun, but turns out it she was more like my mentor. Even though they give you lists, and even though I had carefully written my own list, just walking in the door of the Babies-R-Us can be overwhelming, and then having to walk the aisles and figure out how your lists match all the stuff might very well have sent me running again. I like to think that common sense and my normally healthy courage would have prevailed eventually, but having her there to help me and suggest things (or explain why she liked certain things) made it more real again and manageable. The biggest example that comes to mind is with the car seat/travel systems. I had done a bunch of research and knew what type of thing I wanted, but actually being there with rows of car seats and strollers and systems and buggies and every variation - I literally couldn't immediately connect all I'd read with what I was seeing. But she helped guide me, and pretty soon we were happily bashing the sheep-covered laura ashley's and folding and unfolding the more practical ones. It turned out, when I went back to the store this weekend with Glen to show him what we'd registered for, I was able to show him a thing or two! I'm sure eventually I would have gotten there, but I really owe her for making it a much more fun experience, including occasional moments of misty eyes and all, just like it should be.

So thanks.

a good song to remember

Just a song that tends to calm me whenever I get that scared feeling, for whatever the fear of the moment is!

"Believe Me Now"
by Steven Curtis Chapman

I watch you looking out across the raging water
So sure your only hope lies on the other side
You hear the enemy that's closing in around you
And I know that you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe Me now
Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Do you..

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So Believe Me now
Believe it's true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure
My words are true, and all My promises are sure
So believe Me now
Oh, believe Me now

confessions

OK, since this is for the record, and hopefully some day I will be passing this on to you, my baby, I feel compelled to put something in here about breaking the "rules". So here it is, the list of bad mommy rules I've broken. (That you seem to be surviving just fine with, I might add.)

Drank an occasional glass of wine.
Had a glass of coke (just one) each day.
Ate sushi (although just the cooked kind).
Highlighted my hair.
Slept on my back once in awhile.
Reached lots of stuff on high shelves. (That's for the wives tale that says reaching for things on high shelves will cause the umbilical cord to strangle the baby!)
Worked hard, got stressed.
Took steaming hot showers.
Wore high heels.
Wished I could still wear my old clothes.
Played loud music and sang at the top of my lungs. (Guess we know who to blame when you comes out tone-deaf and liking country music.)
Swore.
Poked you back.
Drank lots of hot chocolate.
Ate cookies in the morning.
Ate deli meat.
Ate peanut butter.
Ate french fries and pizza, often.
Did not eat my broccoli.
And bought lots of stuff for you!

Love, mom

looks like we're growing again!

After a few weeks of "lull", it seems like the last week has been bringing changes again. Started with my noticing a few more articles of clothing didn't fit anymore (or maybe they just shrank??? yeah right). Then one morning Glen woke up, put in his contacts, and said "Wow, you've grown!" I'm sure he meant that in the nicest possible way... That meant another trip to Old Navy for new sweats, a new belt. And officially, this weekend, an admission that my good professional coat no longers quite buttons across the front. Also noticing I'm a little less graceful (ha), a little more prone to tip over or run into stationery objects, and I also can't quite see my toes unless I bend (but only slightly). Mostly meeting all these things with a grin, and hanging on to the fact that everything but my belly is still a size 6 and I can still fit into all my rings and shoes! Hoping very much that I manage to stay that way, even if Glen doesn't believe I can eat the way I am and still stay less than giant sized...

This last weekend also brought some different thoughts. Sunday morning I woke up, and for the first time in many days, didn't feel anything. No kicks, no pokes, no nothing, even when I poked myself and tried different postures that usually get her riled up. With Glen away, it didn't take long for me to move from concerned to half-panicked. (Of course, that was also the morning the dogs picked to fight and one of them fell halfway down the stairs...) So I broke our rule, and used the heart monitor he gave me. Usually we have agreed that I won't use it alone (in case for some reason I can't find a heartbeat, so I don't panic), but I reasoned since I was already in that state, it could only help... Anyway, I found her heartbeat immediately, nice and strong. And, oddly enough, as soon as I started using it, she started kicking, exactly in the spot where the montior wand was. I wonder if somehow she can hear it? Or feel it? Seemed too weird that she picked the moment and spot by coincidence. Or maybe it was simply my complete happiness in hearing that wonderful sound. That got me to thinking about what does make her kick. There are some pretty distinct differences in her kicks - sometimes she feels squirmy and happy, and other times it's like she's just pushing at the position I'm in (like the lunchtime discussion today...). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the times when she feels happy and squirmy are when I'm happy. Like when I'm singing or when there's some burst of joy, coming over a hill to find a beautiful sunset or sitting contentedly next to Glen in the evenings... I don't know that she can feel what I feel, but it seems likely that she does get the same chemicals that go through my body, so if there's a burst of endorphins or whatever, why wouldn't she feel them? And when I'm tense or scared, she definitely gets more quiet. So there's a challenge for me, right? Whenever I'm worried because she's not moving enough, worry only makes her get quieter. The trick is to be able to find peace and even joy despite the fear. Another test of faith? Yes! Definitely not an easy one, but a good lesson to learn.

I also remembered that joy is almost always balanced by a bit of sadness. Sunday I had a great day with my sister-in-law and niece registering at Babies-R-Us. I could not have been happier, wandering the store with her and scanning all the things that our little girl will hopefully someday sleep or move or play in. We spent hours picking thermometers and bumpers and tiny clothes. Full of plans and dreams, the drive home was unexpectedly tinted with worry again. What if all those plans and dreams somehow don't work out? What if she's early, what if she's sick? Not really scared so much as just tired and overfull of emotion. Sometimes I think that's just how it works, you can't quite live on joy alone... Even when the joy is so huge...

lunchtime discussion

Very behind in my writing this week, but I thought I'd just throw this one out there because it's funny and sweet...

I'm sitting at my desk, having just had an interesting "discussion" with my daughter! I was eating lunch, and I noticed that every time I leaned forward to take a bite, she started squirming alot. Then when I straightened or leaned back, she'd quiet down again. I tried it a couple more times, just to see if there really was a pattern, and there definitely was! Just like she was telling me to straighten up mommy! Finally finished, after one last long time forward, and afterwards she squirmed for awhile and now is slowly settling down again, with various assorted thumps and pokes, like she's reminding me not to do that anymore. I'm sure I'm attributing all sorts of characteristics to her that aren't really true, but she sure seems to have a personality already. And some spunk!

Marrying a Vision

Today at lunch I caught a bit of the Corretta Scott King funeral. One of the speakers was relaying some of the things she said over the years, and a comment particularly caught my attention. When asked how she dealt with all the pressures of her own life - her family, her husband and his travels - part of her response was that she knew when she married him that she was marrying not just a man, but a vision. Even though we obviously aren't all married to Martin Luther King type heroes, I think there's some wisdom that all of us should remember there. To some degree, we have all married a vision. It may be that our spouses are artists, or writers, or doctors, or just called to career or hobby in a way that is more than just work to them. There is something that inspires them and makes them want to be better or do more - their own vision. It's not just about what they want, but about what drives them, makes them feel alive. We married that feeling too, and it would be a real loss to miss out on that or see it just as an imposition on our own lives. Lord knows it isn't always easy to live with vision, but that doesn't mean we can ignore it or try to change it. I know I have married a man with a vision for his future in medicine. I don't always understand it or see where it's going quite (and maybe neither does he, but that's OK too), but if I love him I have to live with that vision too. And I know he sees that my work too is not just a job, but that there's something else it gives me. We don't always like being apart, but he supports that I have to be away at times, because it's what I do, part of my vision. Now, as that changes for me and I try to figure out how to fit my old vision with the new motherhood vision, I know he'll support me. Because he married my vision too. What an amazing thing that is.

Stuff (as in, what to buy...)

Has anyone else noticed how overwhelming it can be to buy all the stuff you have to buy during pregnancy?

I think for me it started with the food. During the first pregnancy (short as it was), I remember going through a whole phase of being completely panicked by food. What am I allowed to eat, what am I not allowed to eat, how much caffeine is OK, how much fish is OK, etc etc etc. I would spend long hours searching the web, trying to figure out how to keep the baby safe from preservatives and evil sugar substitutes. I literally remember having a panic attack in the grocery store one day because even plain old flour tortillas were impossible to find without a whole list of unpronounceable preservatives. Of course, this pregnancy changed all that. Fruit is pretty safe, and even careful washing went out the window when it was all I could eat and wanted it NOW! Everything else was a matter of what could I hold down??? If that meant ramen noodles (gasp - horrible processed food completely lacking in any nutritional value, according to the web sites), then ramen noodles it was! So far, she doesn't seem to be having any trouble with this philosophy!

Then there was the whole clothing issue. (Well, really the continuing saga of clothing, but at least now I'm a little more educated and have more than 2 pairs of pants to wear.) Junk, junk, junk! And where to buy anything that anyone with a shred of taste would wear? And once there, what to buy that anyone with an ounce of practicality would pay for? Glen can vouch for my return from the Mall on what I thought would be my first glorious day of shopping as a PREGNANT WOMAN, when I showed up at the house sobbing with only a scarf to show. It turns out you actually have to understand maternity clothing. You can't just sweep in and grab whatever looks good off the rack. There are different styles for your size and and your belly's size (two very different things for me). On bottoms especially - underbelly, over the belly, mid belly, demi-panel, full panel, "hug" styles, "OK" styles... All designed to sit somewhere different on your hips, and in the stores often not labeled or explained for first-time mommies. Of course, they say that you can just casually get the same maternity size as you used to wear. Ha! I think I tried on literally like a hundred tops and bottoms shopping with Mom, and came home with 12 things. Actually, shopping on the internet is easier, even though you end up having to return more stuff. That's because it explains what you're getting. What the style is, how it's supposed to fit, in some cases what trimester it's recommended for. And you can return things, which is not the case in most maternity stores. I suppose that's to keep you from returning something that you've outgrown before you even wear it, but none the less frustrating when they make you sign a special receipt swearing you will not try to return it!

Having survived the break-in period for that phase, I am now entering what I'm realizing will be the biggest, most challenging buying phase: baby stuff. Thankfully my sister-in-law saved some of her furniture for us, because at least we don't have to figure out the whole changing table thing. But still... Bassinett, cradle, crib, pak-n-play... Does anyone need all these things? At once? Car seat, convertibles car seat, car system, stroller, carriage... And how many types of bottles are there??? Not to mention choosing between the 30 varieties of breast pumps. Then there are the clothes. Just a quick search of the internet will produce about a million web sites selling tiny little beribboned, laced, frocked, and frilly infant outfits. Leather shoes, caps with ears, blankets with matching stuffed animals in pockets, mini-vests and sweater sets, designer boots for goodness sake! Again, does anyone really need these things? Our baby will be born late May/early June - doesn't that mean she'll be wearing t-shirts, diapers, and onesies for the first six months? I have to admit, born shopper that I am, I have walked into and out of more baby stores in the last few weeks, overwhelmed and intimidated by the sheer magnitude of the selection out there. Even the book store has become a source of wonder. WHen I was young, I remember there being one staple: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Now the caterpillar has been joined by like six friends such as the tired spider and the happy bunny and whatever else. Where do these things come from? And do we really need any of it? Aaaaargh!

Nice day

Having a nice day so far today. Started with a good laugh with my husband over the fact that I now have to sit down to get on my nylons and boots in the mornings. Can't quite seem to bend at the waist around the little one-pounder, and maybe not quite as coordinated as I used to be... I suppose that means the day is coming when I'll also have to ask him to help me with those boots. That's a scary thought! Truth be told, she feels like a lead brick sitting at the bottom of my belly today, but I mean that in the most affectionate way possible! Then again, I never knew a lead brick to kick this way... Also had lots of people today commenting (sweetly) that I definitely look pregnant now. I think it's mostly the dress I'm wearing, which is a lighter material in honor of the 50-degree weather we're enjoying, and also has an empire waist with a sortof of obvious line of demarcation at the top of the belly. Still, makes me feel all rosy to hear people say I really look it now, without that polite (unspoken) question of am I really pregnant, or have I just (heavens) let myself go... Guess the idea is to enjoy this now, because I can't imaine how big I'll be in 4 months! I keep reading people describe late pregnancy as being like a "ship in full sail". Not entirely sure what that means, but sounds vaguely ominous, no?!

T.E. Brown poem

Just an old favorite that still rings true for me...

If thou couldst empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the Ocean shelf,
And say — "This is not dead,"
—And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou,
And hast such shrewd activity,
That, when He comes, He says — "This is enow
Unto itself — 'Twere better let it be:
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me."

Thomas Edward Brown